communication

“They smiled at the good. They frowned at the bad. And sometimes they were very sad.” – from Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans

Millions of people have viewed the poignant video, showing a grief-stricken father in France talking to his son about the horrific attacks in Paris. It’s gone wildly viral—a clear sign that people everywhere are wondering, “How do we talk to our children about this tragedy?”  

As I think about how hard it is for parents in the U.S. to explain and reassure our children, I can only imagine how hard it is for the French. Let’s hope that the smallest Parisians are as strong and brave as the little French girl featured in the famous children’s book, Madeline. Madeline fears nothing—not mice, not heights, not the tiger in the zoo. She’s spirited and courageous, that one. And these turbulent times require spirit and courage.

But back to the question. What do we say? Certainly, we can’t avoid the conversation. Unless our children are very young, we have to respond to their concerns intentionally and thoughtfully. We can’t pretend they aren’t paying attention to what’s happening, because they are most certainly aware. They may catch it on the news, discuss it with peers, or talk about it with no one, carrying around personal, secret burdens of fear or distress.

And while no two kids will ever respond exactly alike to disturbing events, anxious children do have some universal needs. They need to feel heard. They need stability. They need hope.

For 70 years now, Highlights for Children has been corresponding with children. Over the decades, we’ve learned a few things about how to talk to kids when tragedy occurs. Here are a few of our tips to keep in mind when talking to your children:

• Listen first. This is the most important thing we can do when kids are feeling sad or anxious. Allow them time to express their feelings, and actively listen, which means finding a time when neither of you are distracted. It means listening without assuming you know what will be said, and it means repeating to the child what you think you’ve heard. Listening like this will allow you to understand their needs. Does she just want to better understand what happened? Is he worried that what happened in Paris might happen on U.S. soil?  How much information children can handle depends upon both their developmental level and temperament, but parents usually have a good feel for what’s right and an ability to hear their cues.   
   
• Share your own feelings. Like adults, kids are often reassured to know that their feelings are shared by others. Although kids can be very good at intuiting how we feel, it can be helpful to hear you talk about your own feelings of sadness and how you cope, whether it is exercising, meditating, journaling, or attending religious services.
   
• Encourage kids who are less verbal to express their feelings creatively. Some children, particularly younger ones, may be more comfortable sharing their feelings through art or creative writing. After a high-profile death, crime, or other tragic event, we here at Highlights look extra carefully at every poem, story, and drawing kids send to us, recognizing that some kids reach out for reassurance more indirectly and need a thoughtful letter in response.
   
• Help kids find ways to help. You may find that your kids are helped by doing something as simple as baking cookies for the first responders in your neighborhood, in the name of first responders in Paris.  Or your kids may have their own good ideas for other “random acts of kindness.” Regardless of what you actually do, know that the conversations alone help kids develop empathy. Just make sure your children understand that it’s not their responsibility to fix the situation. That’s the responsibility of adults.
   
• Focus on the good. Put the emphasis on what happened after the horrific attacks. Point out, for example, the outpouring of support and sympathy to France—from people from countries everywhere, from all walks of life. Talk about how Parisians opened their doors to offer shelter that night to people who needed it. Talk about how many governments of the world are vowing to work together to address the situation. You don’t have to know all the facts. The important thing is to help your children feel that progress is being made, and that will help them find their inner Madeline—brave, confident, and optimistic.

When my firstborn was just a baby, an artist friend introduced me to his children,  who were ages six and eight. I was surprised and delighted when each made eye contact, said hello audibly, and offered a handshake. They seemed so comfortable and self-assured that I promised myself right then to teach my children this social skill.

This incident came to mind after recently running into a former colleague and her first- and third-graders. The two girls hugged their mother’s legs and looked down at their shoes as they mumbled hello when I greeted them. Shy? Maybe. But having seen the same kids interacting confidently with their peers in other settings, it seemed to me that they had not yet learned how to talk to adults.

Was I wrong to have expected her children to have shown more social grace? I don’t think so. Is this expectation about our desire as adults to be shown respect by children? No, this is about what’s good for kids.

A big part of our responsibility as parents is to socialize our children. And most of us are diligent about it when comes to teaching our kids such skills as sharing and respecting the property of others. But the work of socializing our children isn’t really finished until they can talk and interact with both peers and adults.

Most children can learn how to exchange pleasantries with adults by the age of five or six. They can learn to look adults in the eye, say hello and goodbye, and engage in simple small talk. (Of course, this is probably not a reasonable expectation of children with autism or similar challenges.) Teaching our kids how to do this gives them a lifelong advantage. If they learn to be comfortable talking to adults, they will likely do better in school, asking questions and sharing their own thoughts with greater ease. These kids will sell themselves better in job and college admission interviews.

And let’s face it, we all worry about the proliferation of texting as a substitute for real-time conversation. Giving children opportunities to experience the pleasures of face-to-face conversing might later help them create a better balance between real and virtual communication. (Well, we can hope!)

We can help kids develop this skill by teaching them to do just three things:

• Look up.
• Speak up.
• Listen up.

Look up. Making eye contact is critically important. I know a mother whose young son struggled with making eye contact. By gently, consistently asking him to “let me see your eyes” when they spoke at home, he eventually stopped looking behind her or at the floor.

Speak up. Most children who tend to mumble or speak too softly can be coached to speak clearly and audibly. Keep your reminders light in tone. You want to convey that talking to adults is easy and natural. Don’t work at it like a drill sergeant. Some kids might appreciate your help learning a brief script for a basic greeting. And be sure to always praise a successful effort.

Listen up. Coach your child to listen, too, and not interrupt adults conversing with him or her. When asked a question, urge your child to keep his or her answer appropriately brief.

And while it may sound odd, kids need to practice. Draw your children into dinnertime conversations, being sure no one cuts them off or ignores their comments. Practicing with friendly, familiar adults at home will give you a chance to guide or gently correct in private, not in public.

Let your kids order their own food in restaurants. Let them ask a store employee where to find an item. Let them pay for their own purchases at the register. All of these encounters offer great practice at looking an unfamiliar adult in the eye, speaking clearly, and saying “please” and “thank you.” The more practice they have, the more confident and self-assured they’ll become.

Many of us were raised with the idea that “Children should be seen rather than heard.” Fortunately, those days are over. Rather than teaching children to remain quiet in the company of adults, thoughtful parents today want their kids to have a voice—and to teach them how to use it appropriately.

Now, if we can just teach some adults how to speak to children!