election

So your candidate won the election. Or lost the election. In the aftermath, you're probably sorting through a tangle of intense thoughts and feelings. But know this: Our kids are watching. And they are picking up on what they see at home, on the news, and in their communities. Too often what they’re hearing and seeing are strong expressions of anger, fear, and despair. The events of yesterday when a threatening mob successfully stormed the U.S. Capitol certainly confused and frightened many children.

But kids can also, just as easily, absorb feelings of trust, hope, and optimism. After a highly contentious campaign season and in a post-election period that finds us still deeply divided as a nation, we best serve our kids if we Stay Calm and Parent On.

Perhaps you’ve been talking to your kids about the election. You’ve explained the importance of voting and what it means to be an engaged citizen. You’ve talked about your choice candidates and how their ideas and policies mesh with your personal values. You’ve talked about what has transpired. These are all important conversations to have with kids, especially if this is the first election they’ve observed with interest.

Now, it’s time to help your kids understand how to move forward. It’s time for conversations about empathy and the importance of treating every person with kindness and respect. It’s time to talk with your kids about what it means to win with grace and lose with dignity. It’s time to show them with our own actions how to mend fences and build bridges.

Certainly it’s easier to talk about these values than it is to live them. These past several months, the bar for civil discourse and good behavior has rested at a deeply concerning low. Grown-ups may be forgiven for feeling a little cynical and too depleted to hoist themselves back up on the high road. But as parents working to help kids become the best version of themselves, we must lead by example and demonstrate the behavior we want our kids to emulate. We must call out bad behavior by adults and help kids understand why it is wrong.

Setting aside the negativity that may pull us like a magnet, let’s seize the chance to help our kids move forward with optimism. Let’s show them how to relate to others—even to those with whom they disagree—with care and sensitivity. Let’s return to the basic building blocks of civility with these seven simple steps you can share with your kids to help them get started.   

1. Assume good intentions.
2. Remember that there are many different ways of seeing the same thing.
3. Listen with kindness and respect to friends who see things differently.
4. Don’t call people names or bully them.
5. Find common ground. There’s always common ground.
6. Agree to disagree on the rest.
7. Never forget that every human is sacred.

Seven simple, clear steps that will lead us to the high road. Let’s get moving.

How are young kids feeling about the election? What messages are they hearing in the growing political cacophony? Here’s what we have heard from a few Highlights readers: 

“I’m really scared about the turnout of the presidential election,” a reader wrote in an email. “My friends talk about it all the time, and it makes me really uncomfortable.” 

Another child, Avery, wrote to Highlights saying, “I’m an extreme Republican and other kids bully me about it. . . . Help!” 

Pennsylvania third-grader Will says he is pestering his mother to buy him a t-shirt that supports the presidential candidate he hopes will win. 

Confused and worried or engaged and excited, young kids are paying attention to politics. They catch snippets of the news, overhear adult conversations, and argue about the election with friends. Kids don’t miss much—although they are often better observers than interpreters. That’s why it’s incumbent upon parents to step in—to correct misunderstandings, to allay fears, and, most importantly, to encourage their kids to become civic-minded. 

Politics has always made for challenging parent-child conversations. And in an election season like 2020, when it seems that the only thing the country can agree upon is that the country is deeply divided, these discussions can be especially daunting. Yet, to avoid the subject because it feels so fraught is to miss the opportunity to expose your kids to a few big ideas that go beyond politics—ideas that can help them develop an optimistic worldview. A worldview that includes an understanding of what it means to be a member of a community. A worldview that includes a belief in the good intentions of others and in their own ability to make the world a better place. 

Begin by Checking In 

If your child hasn’t broached the subject of the election with you, it’s time to check in. A good way to open the door to conversation is with a few simple questions: “What have you heard about the election? How do you feel about the candidates? Is anything concerning or confusing to you?” Then lean in and listen. You may be surprised by what you hear, and by the strong emotions that bubble up—perhaps in both of you. If you think staying calm and collected might be tough, take a walk while you talk, or find another time when you can be fully present and relaxed. 

Use Simple Language 

Set the table for a deeper conversation by starting with a simple truth. Using a metaphor young kids can understand, talk about the similarities between being a family member and being a good citizen—two roles that come with expectations for interacting with and caring for others. Explain voting as one of the important responsibilities of citizenship and the primary way we influence the decisions our local, state, and federal government makes—decisions that shape our lives. When kids, who often feel powerless, understand the impact of voting (and see you voting), they will be more likely to think of themselves as future voters—as people with agency. They will see voting as a way of taking action and making their thoughts heard. They will see the value in their own voice. 

Lean into Your Family’s Values 

That’s the easy part! What’s harder is helping them see that the voices of others also have value. Most young kids adopt the political views of their parents, and they tend to think their parents know best. While this conversation is a chance to restate your family’s values and tie them to your political views, it is also an opportunity to point out that listening to different opinions is a way to show kindness and respect, even when we don’t agree. 

Help your kids also see another compelling reason to listen respectfully to other points of view: doing so leads us to examine our own convictions more closely. Sometimes this results in strengthening our beliefs, and sometimes it alters how we see an issue. In a world where politicians tend to stick hard and fast to their talking points, even in the face of new information, it’s good to remind kids (and ourselves) that a change of mind is OK when new facts emerge. 

Reinforce Critical Thinking Skills 

Although your kids may be too young to do more than repeat what they hear you saying, they can benefit from hearing how you decide what to believe. Again, keep it simple. Talk about the importance of asking questions and the need for fact-checking. Explain how you judge the reliability of news sources. These are critical-thinking tools kids need to evaluate all kinds of information. 

Use Bad Examples to Teach 

In the interest of fairness, point out that candidates in all parties can misrepresent facts or engage in hyperbole—sometimes for political gain and sometimes unintentionally out of passion. Certainly, we’ve seen plenty of bad behaviors from politicians, from name-calling and mockery to bullying. When your child sees this, make it a teachable moment. Letting it go without comment helps normalize it. Call it out as inappropriate, lest your child thinks you condone it. Remind kids that people in power sometimes fail to model the behavior we hope children will emulate. 

Help Them Connect the Dots 

Although it may be the news-making drama that first catches your child’s interest, resolve to focus mostly on the issues. As our reader mail regularly reminds us, even young kids have hopes and dreams for the world we inhabit. They write to us about climate change, social injustice, public health in the time of COVID, quality education, and more. What concern resonates with your child? Learning about the candidates’ positions on an issue your child cares about is a concrete way to connect the dots between their idealism and the power of voting. 

Yes, your child is too young to vote. But your child is not too young to decide to become a voter when it’s time. By talking now about the importance of being a responsible citizen and an informed voter, you help them see that they can be changemakers. You stoke their confidence, strengthen their voice, and help them build empathy and optimism for a world that that only gets better when thoughtful citizens engage. 

Some have described this year’s presidential election as a roller-coaster ride. In that it’s leaving a lot of us feeling out of control and wanting to scream, the metaphor is apt. The mudslinging, name-calling, and truth stretching is at an all-time high.

We’re bombarded with it every day.

And our children are hearing it, too.

As parents, our first instinct may be to shield our children from this negativity. And if your children are small (preschoolers or younger) or especially sensitive, that’s probably right. But if your children ask you about what they hear, don’t shy away from an age-appropriate conversation. Start by asking a few questions to gauge their level of understanding and to discover just what it is that’s confusing or troubling them. Then don’t “dump the whole load.” Chances are that younger children are seeking reassurance more than answers. They mostly want to hear from you that everything’s all right.

Older children, however, may need to hear more.

In our annual State of the Kid™ survey, Highlights for Children polled kids ages six to twelve about the election and this year’s race to the White House. For starters, we wanted to know if kids this age are talking about the election with their parents. Given the provocative nature of the political discourse this year, we think engaging kids in conversation about it is critical. Other parents seem to think so, too, as 80 percent of kids surveyed said yes—they are talking at home about the election at least a little. And while we don’t know what parents are saying to their kids, our poll results give us a few clues about what kids may want or need to hear.

Kids told us, for example, that our country’s safety is one of their big concerns. When asked, “What is the first thing the new president should work on?” 50 percent of our respondents said “keeping the country safe.” And when we asked them to name a quality they thought was most important for a president to have, 44 percent of them chose honesty over smarts, kindness, experience, and courage.

Kids’ concerns, it seems, very much mirror those of their parents.

We spoke about this with Dr. Sasha Ribic, a clinical psychologist who provides psychotherapy to children. “By nature,” she said, “kids are good observers, but bad interpreters.” While kids will astutely observe safety is an issue—and many bad things are happening—they aren’t good at interpreting what it means for them. Because they may worry disproportionately, she advises parents to use conversations to put safety into perspective for them. She suggests that kids picture a room filled with popcorn, and one piece has a red dot on it. Would you be able to find that piece? Probably not. The chances of something terrible or fatal happening to you are similarly remote.

And what about honesty? Clearly, kids have heard that adults express doubt over the candidates’ various claims. They likely have heard the candidates themselves each accuse the other of lying and may fear that we’ll end up with a president who isn’t honest. Parents can turn the campaign rhetoric into a teaching opportunity, explaining candidly that politicians don’t always play nicely together in their sandbox. Sometimes winning becomes more important to the candidates than truth telling, and questioning the honesty of their opponents becomes commonplace. By talking thoughtfully about how partisan interests can dominate, parents can help children learn to listen for the information contained within the rhetoric. Focusing on what the candidates are really saying as opposed to how they are saying it, however, doesn’t mean that how they say it doesn’t matter. This is also an opportunity to endorse virtues such as honesty by reminding kids that while the candidates may seem to forget it, the high road is the best road—and that their expectation that the president of the United States be honest is altogether reasonable.

In our survey, we didn’t ask kids for their thoughts about immigration or racial prejudice, which are also weighing heavily on the minds of voters. But as you discuss the campaign with your kids, don’t miss the opportunity to understand what they’ve observed and what they’re thinking about these subjects, too. Encourage perspective swapping, asking kids, for example, “How do you think it feels to be a target of unkind comments?” Talking about ethical dilemmas and letting kids figure out for themselves all the possibilities can be empowering and eye-opening for kids. We adults don’t have to provide all the answers.

But we do need to encourage the conversations, model thoughtful discourse, lean in, and listen deeply.