parenting

My flight was delayed, and then delayed again. The gate was engulfed in a cloud of heavy sighs and grumbles. But my heart went out to the grandfather near me who was traveling alone with a preschooler. Grandpa had brought with him a bag of tricks, and, for a while, their interactions were cheerful. But as the delay dragged on and the boy grew bored with his toys, it looked as if he was going to become disruptive. Grandpa was losing his patience. His words were clipped, and he was working hard not to raise his voice. A “scene” seemed imminent.

I rummaged around in my own bag and pulled out copies of Highlights High Five, our magazine for preschoolers. Grandpa received them gratefully, pulled the boy on his lap, and began to read aloud. The boy snuggled in, and Grandpa’s voice reset to “kind and loving.” The two were once again enjoying each other’s company. It was a joy to watch how reading together soothed both the adult and the child, and I was delighted to see them revisit the magazines later on the flight, both of them laughing and talking happily together.

I remembered this experience when I read about the recent study by Rutger’s University published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. In a study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs, researchers found that mothers who read to their one-year-olds frequently engaged in less harsh parenting behaviors when their children were three. Mothers who read to their three-year-olds regularly parented less harshly when their children were five. The children who were read to regularly were better able to exercise self-control and pay better attention, which surely helped account for some of the gentler parenting.

This is the first study I’ve seen that links this practice to specific parenting behaviors, but I wasn’t surprised by the findings. Like all mothers, I discovered that babies can recognize their mother’s voice at birth when I observed it myself. Just hearing my voice helped soothe my fussy newborns and helped them feel safe. Babies who feel safe are generally happier babies, which leads to happier parents and a stronger parent-child bond. Pulling one of my children on my lap to share a book always made me feel closer to them. When we discovered a book that engaged them deeply, I felt as though somehow I understood them better, learning more what excited them, what they were curious about, even what frightened or confused them. I’m sure that made me better able to parent them. I’m also convinced that reading to my toddlers and preschoolers at bedtime helped them feel safe—a calming nighttime ritual for us all.

Other studies show that shared reading helps foster healthy brain development in babies and toddlers. That’s why pediatricians now “prescribe” regular reading with babies and young children. In a baby, one billion new neural connections are made every second, building on themselves until 90% of the brain is developed by age 5. Its these pathways, or connections, that enable us to think, speak, and even move our bodies. The more connections the better, and one of the best ways to foster the development of these neural pathways is through reading.

This study also fits, in my mind, with other research that shows that reading to young children helps make them more empathetic. When we read aloud to our kids, we use different words and sounds to express a wide variety of emotions. Regular exposure to this practice helps little listeners better understand their own feelings and the emotions of others.

And to finish connecting all the dots—we’ve long known that shared reading with young children helps with language development and results in more positive academic outcomes when the children begin school. Children who are read to routinely have bigger vocabularies and a better grasp of grammar, and they tend to have an easier time learning to read independently.

These reasons alone should be enough to make us commit to read, read, read to our children. But isn’t it great to also know that shared reading with our kids may help the whole family “chill” and help us better experience the joy of parenting?    

Kids today still turn to their parents when they have something important to say, but increasingly, kids are looking to teachers to be role models and to provide guidance, according to   Highlights State of the Kid™survey  . Of the 2,000 kids polled, 25 percent said that they admire and respect their teachers because they are caring, loving, and kind. My own ten-year-old supports this finding because he told me about his teacher’s kindness on the first day, and subsequent days, of school.

This kind of feedback is a giant warm hug of gratitude to educators from U.S. children. It signifies that teachers realize the critical role of a caring relationship in learning. In fact, research backs up the idea that learning takes place—and brain connections are strengthened—when students feel connected to their teachers, fellow students, and the larger school community.

Kids’ perceptions of teachers as role models of kindness and caring point to a growing movement in education to focus on actively creating caring learning environments and promoting the whole child’s development—physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development. Social and emotional learning in schools means actively working to create a safe, caring, and connected school community in which students feel a sense of trust and belonging and cultivate skills like self-awareness, empathy, and responsible decision-making.

And parents agree! In my own survey of parents, 95 percent said they felt social and emotional skill development was the most critical of all skills for their child’s success in school today and for their future lives. So how do we, as parents, work with our child’s educators on this critical issue? Here are a few simple ideas.

1. Ask what your school does to promote relationships and social, emotional, and academic development. Approach your child’s teacher or the school’s parent-teacher association. (Here’s a tool to begin that conversation.)
2. Learn more together as partners. Check out my site, Confident Parents, Confident Kids, to learn more about the power of social and emotional learning in schools.
3. Get involved. Now more than ever, parents realize that involvement in their children’s education is key to their success. Ask in what ways you can give of your time. It doesn’t have to be volunteering in the classroom.

Show care and gratitude. It’s easy to get caught up in hearing the negative aspects of what’s going on at school. Instead, make a point of asking your child about the positives. What’s going well? What do you like about your teacher? Then, share your gratitude with the teacher. Let her know you notice. Complimentary words at pick-up time or a note from you can make a teacher’s week!

“Adam just caught the most gigantic bass, Mom,” my son exclaims as if Adam is a neighbor, a school friend, or at the very least, someone I know. But I quickly realize my eleven-year-old son is referring to one of his favorite “YouTubers.” Adam and others like him are creeping more and more into my son’s conversation and I recognize he’s learning new terminology, visiting new places, and encountering a host of new experiences. For this reason, I am eager to get to know Adam, understand the reason for my son’s enthusiasm, and explore what he is teaching through his videos.

My son is not alone. A large number of U.S. children have told Highlights in their 2018 State of the Kid survey that celebrities are a key and growing influencer in their lives. Yes, parents remain the top influencer and second and importantly, teachers also capture children’s admiration. But increasingly our children also look to the personalities on their screens for role modeling. Whether it’s an e-gamer (playing competitive video games) or a reality television show star or a professional athlete, fifteen percent of children ages 6-12 report that they admire and respect celebrities. In addition to noting that those role models are caring and kind, they said they were generous, helped others, were smart, and knowledgeable.

It’s no surprise that celebrities are rising in their influence considering that the average child is on screens between seven and eight hours per day. As parents, we know the dangers that lurk with a simple word search and click of a “return” key, so we may feel worried, even fearful, as our child explores the world through our home screens. Yet if she or he were to join a club, organization, or extracurricular, we wouldn’t hesitate to get to know those involved. The same is true for our child’s digital community.

We have an opportunity to lean in and learn from our resident experts and enthusiasts, our children. It won’t serve our trusting relationship if we play “Gotcha!” attempting to catch our child straying into the danger zone. But if we genuinely express interest and allow our child to lead our exploration, they may just grant us entry. We’ll have the chance to become reflective with them about what they are viewing, preparing our kids with the skills and tools they need to become screen smart. In turn, we’ll grow in our own ability to trust their new and ever-expanding world.

How to Connect Over Celebs

Getting to know our child’s influencers when we can shake a hand and make eye contact seems do-able. But what about celebrity influencers? How do we get to know them? Here are a few tips for parents.

1. Ask your child about their interests and influencers with an open mind.

Though we may fear what they could run into as they surf the web, their digital community is just that, yet another group they engage with. If your child joined a school club like the Girl Scouts, you’d learn more about all of the individuals involved. So too with their digital community, get to know the players involved led by your child.

2. Select and review new content together.

Help your child learn to become proactive about reviewing appropriateness of content with you and explain why that’s important showing the benefit. If your child has ever encountered a terrifying video, ask if those images have stayed in his or her mind. That’s an easy, relatable way to explain that not all content is appropriate or desirable (for kids and for adults!). Seek out review sites like Common Sense Media. Together type in the new app, game, or movie and learn more before viewing!

3. Share regular updates on influencers.

At family dinners, the conversation may naturally turn to the events of the day. If you know that a YouTube star is influencing your child, then bring that influencer into your conversation. “What’s he up to lately?” If that star makes a poor decision that could herself or others, discuss her other choices and the real-world consequences of those choices. Keeping an open conversation can not only give you invaluable insights into who your child is looking to for social cues, but also could keep your child safe, since she’ll know she can come to you if and when there is a problem.

4. Replace fear with curiosity and empathy.

After all, fear comes from the unknown. If we, as parents, are in touch with our child’s influencers, we don’t have to fear them. We can recall our own experiences of teen idol posters taped up on our bedroom walls. Or recall when we dog-eared and carefully noted the time when a television special would air our favorite star. Our children are feeling that same glow of admiration. And we can join in their enjoyment as we cuddle up next to them and their iPad to learn more.

The community of influencers on our children has and will continue to grow. Our ability to reach out, learn, and connect with those individuals will only deepen our trust and intimacy with our children. As for me, I’m delighted that my son, his friends, and indeed U.S. children are focused on learning from adults who are caring, kind, and generous.

In this day and age, the number and variety of after-school activities seem only to grow, making it easy to get overwhelmed by the choices or not know where to begin in narrowing down the options. Here are five tips to help you choose the right after-school activities for your child.

1. Identify your child’s interests

When researching after-school activities, start with your child’s interests. What subjects does she enjoy at school? What does she like to do outside of school? There may be a community class, school club, or team that directly or indirectly supports each interest. Your child may have ideas about what this is already, or she may not know the range of after-school options. Ask around—start with your child’s teacher or other parents. Sometimes, there are options to “try out” a class or club, for free or for a nominal fee. This can be a great way to gauge your child’s interest in person. Whether or not you’re able to try out an activity, involving your child as much as possible in the decision-making process will help give her ownership and agency over the decision—and may increase the possibility that she will enjoy the activity (this is not always the case, of course).  

2. Consider your child’s strengths and weaknesses

After-school activities are great for both leaning into strengths and overcoming weaknesses—so there is no one right way to make the decision. The following are aspects to consider: your child’s academic abilities, social skills, behavioral skills, self-esteem, focus and attention, and gross and fine motor skills. You can also weigh different styles of learning—for instance, visual, aural, verbal, and physical—and whether your child does better with solitary or group activities. Again, it’s good to lean into your child’s strengths, and, if possible and desired, to participate in activities that will stretch your child’s skills.

3. Determine what you and your child hope to get out of the activity

When choosing an after-school activity, it’s important to identify what you and your child hope to gain. Examples include having fun, making new friends, building leadership skills, encouraging self-esteem, and providing exercise. This can help you narrow down a search for activities. Then, once you have a shorter list, consider what the process and end goals are for each activity, and if they match what you and your child are looking for. Don’t forget: It can sometimes be easy to see your child’s activities through your own expectations. It’s normal to have some mismatch between expectations and outcomes. But to lessen stress for your whole family, it’s important to keep in mind an action plan—a way to be open—when these mismatches occur.

4. Prioritize balance and time management

With so many options available, children can get overscheduled in terms of homework, after-school activities, and family time. Decide whether an after-school activity is great to do in conjunction with—or after—planning out a daily and weekly schedule for your family. Make sure the chosen activity/activities give your child enough time to complete homework and eat and rest well.

5. Review costs and time commitment

After-school activities range widely in terms of costs. They may also involve rental fees for instruments or sports equipment. What is realistic for your family? Consider the time commitment of the activity too. Don’t forget to factor in transportation—how to get your child to and from the activity. If you aren’t available, is there a trusted person who could help your child get to and from the location?

Whatever activities your child partakes in this year, encourage him toward both a range of activities over the years and depth in one activity, if possible. He may build an unexpected friendship or mentorship, or discover an unexpected talent or interest. This may lead to a lifelong passion or career option, and even if not, it will help your child develop as a student and person.

It was heartening to learn that 93 percent of kids who responded to the 2018 Highlights State of the Kid™ survey say they’d take action if they saw someone doing or saying something mean, and that nearly all respondents—90 percent, in fact—feel that the grown-ups in their lives care about what they have to say. These findings are great news, representing an age of positive parenting, a shift from parents being focused on wanting kids to get “good grades/good jobs” to parents focused on nurturing the inner lives of their children too.

Such a shift begins with empowering our kids, helping them gain a sense of inner confidence, courage, and strength to successfully surmount whatever life presents! It is guiding them to persevere when obstacles arise as they always do, such as bullies, failed tests, mistakes, disappointments, and bruises. Having such inner strength will also move them toward pursuing their dreams.

The act of empowering children is a process of guiding them to feel and believe that they are powerful now, and creating optimum conditions that mirror these concepts back to them. Owen, age five, lit up when his father told him he was “so creative” and “talented” in his painting class. You could see Owen looking more confident and stronger. It is a great example of a child beginning to feel like a powerful creator.

Unfortunately, well-intentioned parents sometimes do the opposite as well. Olive, age eight, was dancing with friends and playing with her Hula-Hoop in the park. It was just good ole summer fun. Her mom told Olive that she looked as if she had “two left feet” when she was dancing. Olive cried. Instead of fueling Olive’s sense of power, her mom’s words diminished it.

Empowerment Essentials

Learning to empower children doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but the good news is that we each can become better. It really takes the same effort that you apply to any goal—enthusiasm, dedication, and a willingness to “set aside” any preconceived ideas, projections, and personal baggage. A child so wholeheartedly wants to believe his dreams can come true. So it is up to us, the adults, to support this notion (whether it makes sense to us or not!). For example, little Joey, age three, told me he wants to be a spaceship repairman. I replied, “Go for it!”

As you gather your emotional and mental forces to focus on empowering your children, there are three techniques that can help you consciously empower them. They are:

• Mirroring. It is the process of serving as the reflection of children’s abilities, skills, and qualities so they begin to “see” themselves as they really are: highly valuable, talented, and capable right now. Owen’s father, from the example cited earlier, mirrored to Owen his creative strengths. The effect was nearly immediate because you could see Owen feeling more positive and confident.

• Encouragement. Such support--“putting in” courage or belief in your children—enables them to see themselves as they are: highly competent now. Madeline, age six, had her training wheels taken off her bike recently. She was excited and terrified. Her mom came to her side and said, “You can do it! I believe in you,” and with a little push, Madeline did it! Her mom’s words of encouragement made all the difference.

• Partnering. Let your child know that he can count on you for support, but negotiate so he’ll be willing to try new experiences. If he is hesitant to, say, attend a birthday party with second-grade classmates he doesn’t know very well, give him an out. “If you go for an hour and are miserable, I’ll come pick you up.”

Encouragement, mirroring, and partnering may seem like simple ideas—and they are. I believe that many things are simple but they’re not always easy. It’s like riding 100 miles on your bicycle—conceptually it is easy, but actually doing it is much harder. What I know for sure is that by making small changes in our everyday strategies, we can impact big changes in our children, which help them feel and ultimately do their best. 

With the excitement of the new school year often come many changes for your child: a different teacher, classroom, and classmates, for example. Getting on the same page as your child’s teacher—whether through a conference or back-to-school night meeting—is a great way to support your child. Here are five questions to ask your child’s teacher this month.

1. What can my child and I expect regarding homework?

While homework can vary on a daily or weekly basis, asking your child’s teacher about the typical amount can help you and your child begin to develop a time-management plan for the after-school hours—one that includes extracurricular activities and relaxation. Sometimes there will be more or less homework depending on the day of the week (e.g., more on weekdays vs. weekends). It may also be helpful to understand what homework may consist of (e.g., answering questions or reading a text), if there are any subjects/types of homework to prioritize over others, and how homework may be graded (e.g., for completion or correctness). If you’d like, ask the teacher how she sees homework fitting into the overall picture of your child’s education. The answers to these questions can help you create a routine and environment in which your child can best flourish.

2. Are there any major projects or ongoing due dates?

Besides daily homework, many teachers assign large or recurring projects, like book reports, reading logs, and spelling tests. Knowing what larger projects are to come—such as a science-fair project in the spring—can help you figure out the rhythm of the school year. Likewise, understanding regular due dates will allow you and your child to plan around sick days or days you take off for vacation. Keep an eye out for updated due dates because teachers may need to shift dates around to adjust for pacing.

3. What are your classroom values and policies?

Asking your child’s teacher about classroom values and policies will help you understand the environment in which your child is spending time daily. In terms of policies, don’t be afraid to ask about the nitty-gritty—like the late homework policy, for instance.  Knowing what to do if your child needs to miss school or gets a bit off track is crucial. Will points be deducted from late assignments, and if so, how many? What happens if your child misses a test? Can it be made up? Your child will have a better chance of success once he knows the ins and outs of these classroom policies.

4. How can I best support my child outside of school?

Speak with your child’s teacher about tips and strategies for supporting your child outside of school. How can you best help with homework or preparing for tests? What outside resources (e.g., online/library resources or educational games) or book recommendations does the teacher have—specifically for your child’s strengths and weaknesses? You probably already know some, but also ask about community events or real-world activities that your child can get involved in, like those at libraries or museums. The teacher may come up with more as the year goes on and as she gets to know your child better.

5. What is the best way for a parent to reach the teacher, and vice versa?

Since you and your child’s teacher are working together to help your child best succeed at school, keeping communication lines open is key. Find out what the teacher’s preferred mode of communication is: email, telephone, a message through the school’s online portal, or a handwritten note. If you’d like, and from time to time, consider scheduling an in-person meeting outside of conferences to check in with your child’s teacher. Also, don’t forget to ask how you can expect to hear from the teacher, whether that’s also through online or other means.

As soon as you can, get in touch with your child’s teacher, whether that’s a simple hello and introduction during back-to-school night or at a sit-down meeting. This will help you and your family begin to create a plan for the year to best help your child succeed.

By Caroline Knorr, Parenting Editor, Common Sense Media 

Some schools use a little technology: a few educational apps to mix things up, maybe a weekly trip to the computer lab. Some use a lot: one-to-one device programs, class management systems, and automated grade-reporting. Many districts are even adopting schoolwide networks with names you'll recognize, such as Google Classroom and the Facebook-engineered Summit Learning System. Time will tell if all this technology better prepares students for a digital world. But one thing is true: If it's digital, it uses data, and that means your kid's information is more valuable -- and more vulnerable -- than ever. Schools need to safeguard student privacy as fiercely as a mama bear -- and you, as the parent, need to know how they're doing it. Here are the right questions to ask, and the answers you should expect, to make sure any tech your kid uses at school is protecting your kid's privacy.

How does the school decide if the educational software or apps it uses protect my kid's privacy?

Your kid's school should review the privacy policies of any software or device that requires your kid to log in with a screen name and password. You can ask for a copy of the product's privacy policy, or you can talk to the teacher or your principal to get assurances that they know what they're doing.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Stored data is encrypted, password protected, and only available to certain administrators who need it for educational purposes. Ask who that person is.
• Companies don't collect more information than they need for educational purposes -- and those reasons are clearly and narrowly defined. Keep an eye out for requests for personal information that don't seem relevant to education (for example, your religious beliefs).
• Companies don't trade or sell student info to others. If you suspect your kid's information has been sold (because you're receiving ads in the mail, etc.), notify your school administrator.
• More than one person (for example, a teacher, administrator, and an IT professional) reviews the companies' policies. Ask for their names in case you need them.

Even better: The company supplying the software has undergone some sort of third-party vetting or evaluation process -- such as the evaluation offered by Common Sense Media's Privacy Initiative. The list of companies and software used is frequently updated and accessible to parents and students. Find out where the list is.

What information does the school collect and how is it stored? 

Schools need to offer a clear educational purpose for any personal information it asks for. (Social Security numbers are an example of information many schools have collected in the past, but not any longer because they couldn't justify the educational purpose of collecting that data.)

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• The school asks for basic identification only -- for example, name, address, and phone number.
• The school encrypts any information it receives and uses security procedures to protect any data in transit. That means no one can read the information without authorized security clearance and a password. Ask how they do this.

Even better: The school restricts access to information solely to those who need to know it -- for example, only a school nurse has access to medical information, via passwords, technical controls, or other physical safeguards. The school deletes information once it is no longer needed for your kid's education or required to be kept by state or federal law. Ask exactly when your kid’s information will be deleted.

Who can get access to the school's list of students and their contact information?

Federal law limits who can get access to a school's directory of basic stuff like your kid's name, address, telephone number, and other general information.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Schools comply with the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) by notifying parents of any information that they collect and what directory information includes, as well as providing parents the choice to to opt out.
• The method of notification is up to the school, so ideally they should use methods that will get your attention, such as a letter sent home that you have to sign. Ask how they notify parents: by email, a letter home, etc.?
• Ideally, schools offer easily accessible and flexible opt-in and opt-out consent options -- not merely one blanket form that opts you into, or out of, everything.
• Some schools offer a checklist that lets you choose which information to share with which third parties. For example, you may feel comfortable sharing your student's name and address with the developer of your kid's reading software application, but you may not feel comfortable sharing your student’s dates of attendance.
• Or even though the school is allowed to share directory information with your kid's after-school program, it gives you the option not to. Ask how your school manages distributing this information.

Even better: Under FERPA, schools are actually allowed to disclose certain directory information without your consent. A yearbook publisher, a class-ring manufacturer, and military recruiters are a few examples of outside organizations to which the school can send directory information. But some of this information is fairly personal, including place of birth, honors, awards, and dates of attendance. A school that's being careful will ask for consent before disclosing this or any other information. Ask if your school does this.

When do I need to provide consent for my student to use software at school?

Schools are allowed to provide consent on behalf of parents when they're using an app that collects information solely for educational purposes, such as an app that helps teachers take attendance. The school, the district, or an authorized teacher should ask parents to provide consent if any software or applications used in the classroom will collect information from students that's not for an exclusively educational purpose. When parental consent is requested the notice to parents should include how they can provide consent and what practices they are consenting to.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Schools should notify parents, for example as a list on their webpage, of all educational software that the school has consented to students using, what data it's collecting, how the data is used, and how the data is protected.
• Schools should generally not ask for parental consent as a way to limit their own liability. When schools ask for consent, the school should have verified beforehand that the software is safe and that there is no safer or non-commerical alternative that could substitute for that software.

Even better: Schools ask for consent when they use educational products that are not essential. For example, if a student could learn a concept using an existing math worksheet rather than playing a digital math game -- and the teacher wouldn't have to create a worksheet specifically for that student -- the game is likely not essential. In that case it's nice if schools want to give parents the option to consent or not.

What's the school's policy on Bring Your Own Device (BYOD)?

BYOD programs are a lower-cost way for schools to integrate technology into the classroom. But tablets and laptops store a lot of sensitive information, including personal data (name, address, etc.), raw data such as performance reports, and "cookies" -- the personal identifiers that track your student’s path around the internet. Also, many students may not have reliable broadband internet access at home in which to complete online assignments, so BYOD should be used in conjunction with other programs at school.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• The school vets the privacy policies of all third-party programs installed on your student’s devices and makes sure that they comply with the Children's Online Privacy and Protection Act (COPPA). Look up any app the school recommends on Common Sense Media or Common Sense Education to double-check its practices.

Even better: The school has a written process about device searches (which includes notifying you before the device is searched). Schools should ideally not install monitoring software, track the device's location, or remotely access the camera on a student's personal device. Be aware though that schools are required to monitor their internet networks under federal law, and some student data may be collected through that monitoring. Ask who within the school and district can access any device-specific tracking information and when this information is deleted.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis spent five years researching why many kids today are unruly, willful, disruptive, frustrated, and reactive. The answers are in her new book The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever—And What to Do About It (PublicAffairs). We asked Katherine what families do to reinforce this bad behavior—and what they should do instead.

Q. In your book, you say that kids’ behavior is worse than ever, and that traditional techniques to change bad behavior aren’t working. What’s going on with kids today—and why aren’t time-outs and sticker charts effective?

A. It’s hard to know if these techniques ever worked. But it’s clear to me from my research that they don’t work now with children growing up today [unlike baby boomers and their offspring, who as children generally did as they were told and behaved as expected]. The problem with past disciplinary methods [from spanking on up to sticker charts] is they impose external control, as opposed to helping a child develop a sense of self-control and self-discipline. I never want to tell parents to stop a method they feel is working. But if, say, your sticker-chart system suddenly stops working, it may be because your child hasn’t developed self-control yet. Be alert to that. In some instances, time-outs are likely to provoke power struggles and revenge behavior—but time-outs can also be helpful. In a peaceful moment you can ask your child, “What helps you when you feel out of control?” Then a time-out is not a punishment; it’s a calming strategy.

Q. You also write that traditional methods of discipline actually move families further from good behavior. What’s the real goal and why are traditional measures to achieve it counterproductive?

A. Ultimately, our goal is to raise self-disciplined children. Anything we do that helps kids understand that actions have consequences is valuable. When we solve their problems for them, or let them off the hook when they misbehave, kids don’t learn those lessons. Instead, they spend their energy thinking about how to get around our rules.

Q. Then what does work? In your book you talk about the apprenticeship model of parenting. What is it—and why is this parenting style more effective at drawing out good behavior in kids?

A. The apprenticeship model of parenting is a technique that encourages parents to connect with their kids, communicate their expectations clearly, and then trust their children’s ability to uphold their part of the agreement and to regulate their behavior. Any agreement has to include the children’s input and needs as well as the parents’.

Q. So how should parents go about putting the apprenticeship model into action—and what else can they do to encourage good behavior in kids and make the connection more effective?

A. The number one most powerful thing parents can do to stop kids’ bad behavior is to connect with them. The challenge is: If we tell kids that they are doing something wrong when they are acting out, we’re missing out on connecting with them just when they need us the most. We can use our physical presence in a powerful, calming way. That can help in a heated moment. But it’s also critical to build that connection at other times, through shared activities such as meals, game times, and even household chores and projects.

The second piece is communication. Here again, we need to remember: Our goal should be to build skills. When a child is having a meltdown, of course we want him to be quiet. But even better is if we can start helping him recognize the emotions he’s experiencing, and learn to manage them. Often, that communication needs to happen after a meltdown or problem. Then, once the child is calm, brainstorm how to respond in the future. You could say, “Sometimes when I’m frustrated, like you were earlier, I like to listen to my favorite song or take a short walk. What helps you feel better when you’re frustrated?”

Capability is the payoff. Capability building is the prize that we parents get for all the work connecting and communicating. When kids feel capable—when they have a sense of their own competence and purpose—they’re less prone to acting out. It’s so helpful to notice when your children make that incremental progress—for example, when they calm down from a meltdown after 10 minutes when previously it was an hour, or when they remember their binder as you drive away from school instead of after dinner. We can be their memory keepers, helping them mark their progress and notice how they’re growing and becoming more capable. It’s encouraging for them and for us.

Chores, or household jobs are a big piece of this. When kids do them, they build that “I can do this” feeling. They see themselves as someone who makes a real contribution to the family. And underlying this is the confidence to know that they can manage their emotions as well as they can manage a spatula or a sponge.

Q. What can parents do when they feel they’ve made a mistake (yelled at a child, or failed to enforce a family agreement)?

A. There’s a lot of advice out there to be calm and respond with love in every moment. But we’re human! So it’s an opportunity to apologize to our kids and set our own intentions to behave differently the next time: You could say, “I’m sorry I yelled. I should have gone for a walk around the block or taken 10 minutes to cool down.”

Q. You write: “Parenting in this way means consciously breaking with the norms in the culture around us.” What do you mean by that?

A. My experience has been, and my research has validated this, that our society expects parents to always be in control of kids. If kids do something wrong, it’s the parents’ fault. So there’s an impulse to micromanage, to direct, to punish kids rather than letting them learn from the consequences of their actions. When kids test boundaries and take risks, there is an unspoken or explicit pressure to intervene. There are so many situations like this: Forgetting their school lunch, not wearing clothes that match, talking out of turn—all those things our kids do that other people judge. Kids are figuring themselves out. We need to give ourselves a pass to not worry about what other parents think. Know you’re doing what’s right for your child and your family.

Your elementary school-aged child may not yet have encountered intensive studying or lengthy projects. However, this is a great time to begin instilling good study habits in your child. At this impressionable age, children can begin to grasp the importance of structured study and its long-term educational benefits. Older students, such as those in grades four and five, can benefit from guidance when it comes to implementing positive study habits, and younger students can begin absorbing the basics of these good habits.

Looking to help your student head back to school on the right foot? Here are three study habits to teach your child this fall.

1. Encourage a regular homework routine.

Elementary-school students often participate in a number of after-school activities. Even though your schedule may be busy once the school day ends, it’s crucial to create and execute a consistent homework routine at home. Set aside a designated amount of time each afternoon or evening for your child to tackle any homework. At the beginning of homework time, have her review what assignments she’ll be working on that day. Next, help her prioritize tasks in an order that suits her best. If your student has little or no homework one day, fill the remaining time with reading or another educational activity. Establishing a homework routine teaches students the importance of staying on top of assigned tasks.

Additionally, encourage productivity by creating a positive study environment. Eliminate obstacles, like technology, that can hinder your student’s concentration. Ensure there are minimal distractions in her study space so she can have the best chance of success.

2. Foster independent work habits.

While forming a structured study routine is vital, it’s most successful when your student engages in independent study during this time. Remain present with your younger student in order to provide support when needed, but encourage him to seek out answers on his own before stepping in to help. For an older student, motivate him to work through problems himself as opposed to giving him the answers. If he is unsure of a math solution, for example, prompt him to walk you through how he thinks the problem should be executed. This will allow you to understand where he may be confused and illustrate to him how verbalizing concerns can help solve problems.

Encouraging independent study in your student allows him to learn to work through issues on his own and strengthens problem-solving skills. Regardless of age, establish semester goals with your student, and identify with him specific ways he can work to accomplish them. This may be as simple as getting good grades on spelling tests. Have him note ways he can practice his spelling each week leading up to tests in order to reach his goal. Independent study habits boil down to your child feeling ownership of his education—therefore, these habits can look different for each student and each age group. Assess your student’s workload and current study habits so you can successfully establish the right type of independent work for him.

3. Promote essential skills.

Vital skills—such as organization and time management—play directly into productive study habits. When encouraging good habits at home, discuss with your child the importance of these skills and how educational productivity stems directly from them.

It’s important for students to keep school items organized and in an easily accessible place. With students facing weekly, monthly, and quarterly deadlines, it can be helpful to keep a planner or calendar to identify these commitments. Have your child help with this so she will be able to understand how her deadlines work. At the start of each week, review what will be expected of her in the coming days, and address any questions or concerns she may have. Motivating your student to stay organized, both with assignments and supplies, can help her to understand the importance of this skill to her ultimate educational success.

Older students can practice time management through a variety of techniques. Have your child create homework timelines each night to help her learn to prioritize important tasks and spend the appropriate amount of time on each. Though younger students can’t compose study timelines, they can learn and execute basic time-management skills. Explain to her the importance of working through tasks in a timely manner and not getting sidetracked by outside distractions.

When teaching your student good study habits this fall, have an open conversation about areas where she may benefit from more structured practice. Instilling positive study habits in students at a young age can set them up for overall academic success.

Michael was seven years old and headed to class in second grade. Here’s what he was wearing: pointy black cowboy boots, a brown leather aviator jacket, and faded blue jeans, each knee with a rip of his own making.


He had also put on black sunglasses and a black-and-white bandanna, wrapped expertly, by his own hand, around his brow. And to top it all off, dangling from his right ear, left over from a Halloween costume, was a gold-plated, clip-on hoop earring.

At the time, this was pretty much his standard outfit. He was four feet tall and weighed 45 pounds. He boarded the yellow bus decked out like a rock star going on a cross-country tour.

All this took some serious preparation behind the scenes. Michael would hang out in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his thick, wavy brown hair to mimic the styles he caught on music videos on TV. He begged us to let him grow his hair longer so he could sport a ponytail.

But the look Michael adopted was going to take him only so far in his still barely adolescent life. So he also mastered a second language: fluent back talk. If I joked with him or somehow said something that upset him, he might tell me to give him a break or take a hike or fly a kite.

He would propose, with a growing frequency that caused me worry, that I either get out of town, get real, get a job or, more simply, get a life. His mouth came to strike me as a prematurely—and precociously—adult instrument, a weapon of mass destruction.


Oh, he was the complete package all right: the funky uniform, the hipper-than-thou attitude, the up-to-the-minute idiom. His purpose was clear. Michael wanted more than anything on the planet to be cool. Too cool for school.

So it went for a spell, maybe a year or two. He would strut through our apartment, lip-synching to M.C. Hammer and fingering an air guitar. He would carry a comb to school to keep up appearances. He would chase girls around the playground, no doubt without yet quite understanding why.


He bopped along with us on family outings too—bandanna, earring, and all—and drew surprised glances and even occasional rubbernecking from passersby. One time we all went out for pizza and the teenagers at the next table in the restaurant were so taken with his look that he was invited over for a cameo appearance.

As it happened, I knew the deal here, understood the impulses that drove our son. At his age, I was short and skinny, with thick black glasses and frizzy hair. I, too, once wanted more than anything to be too cool for school.

So I never said anything to Michael about his getup or his wisecracks, nor saw any reason to. I knew nothing I said to him would make any difference, or even necessarily should. Rather, I chose to do what I really had no choice but to do. Privately, in my heart of hearts, I cheered him on. At least one of us, I figured, should get to be cool.