parenting

So your candidate won the election. Or lost the election. In the aftermath, you're probably sorting through a tangle of intense thoughts and feelings. But know this: Our kids are watching. And they are picking up on what they see at home, on the news, and in their communities. Too often what they’re hearing and seeing are strong expressions of anger, fear, and despair. The events of yesterday when a threatening mob successfully stormed the U.S. Capitol certainly confused and frightened many children.

But kids can also, just as easily, absorb feelings of trust, hope, and optimism. After a highly contentious campaign season and in a post-election period that finds us still deeply divided as a nation, we best serve our kids if we Stay Calm and Parent On.

Perhaps you’ve been talking to your kids about the election. You’ve explained the importance of voting and what it means to be an engaged citizen. You’ve talked about your choice candidates and how their ideas and policies mesh with your personal values. You’ve talked about what has transpired. These are all important conversations to have with kids, especially if this is the first election they’ve observed with interest.

Now, it’s time to help your kids understand how to move forward. It’s time for conversations about empathy and the importance of treating every person with kindness and respect. It’s time to talk with your kids about what it means to win with grace and lose with dignity. It’s time to show them with our own actions how to mend fences and build bridges.

Certainly it’s easier to talk about these values than it is to live them. These past several months, the bar for civil discourse and good behavior has rested at a deeply concerning low. Grown-ups may be forgiven for feeling a little cynical and too depleted to hoist themselves back up on the high road. But as parents working to help kids become the best version of themselves, we must lead by example and demonstrate the behavior we want our kids to emulate. We must call out bad behavior by adults and help kids understand why it is wrong.

Setting aside the negativity that may pull us like a magnet, let’s seize the chance to help our kids move forward with optimism. Let’s show them how to relate to others—even to those with whom they disagree—with care and sensitivity. Let’s return to the basic building blocks of civility with these seven simple steps you can share with your kids to help them get started.   

1. Assume good intentions.
2. Remember that there are many different ways of seeing the same thing.
3. Listen with kindness and respect to friends who see things differently.
4. Don’t call people names or bully them.
5. Find common ground. There’s always common ground.
6. Agree to disagree on the rest.
7. Never forget that every human is sacred.

Seven simple, clear steps that will lead us to the high road. Let’s get moving.

“Why are the children shown in my child’s magazine wearing masks?” This is a question some parents of our readers are asking us in emails and letters and on our social sites. They also ask, “Have you consulted with medical professionals about this decision?” “Why aren’t you being more protective of our children, instead of rubbing their noses in this awful mess?” And even “Does Highlights have a political agenda?”

Many months into the pandemic and as this “awful mess” in the U.S. reaches crisis proportion, we feel it’s important to share how we arrived at the decision to depict children wearing masks when we show them in situations that would require taking that precaution.

Although we know many readers save our magazines to read and reread, a magazine is different from a book, in part because its shelf life is shorter. That’s part of the purpose of a magazine: to deliver reading material that is fresh and new each month—content that reflects the reader’s current world.

Last spring, when the pandemic hit in earnest and much of the country was staying safer at home, our readers let us know that their current reality wasn’t being depicted in Highlights and High Five. They wondered why the children in illustrations and photos weren’t wearing masks or why families weren’t shown practicing social distancing. “Our kids need to know that they are not alone in this,” one reader’s mother told us. “My child expected Highlights to acknowledge and support her efforts to be responsible,” wrote another. We wrote back and explained that because of our long lead times and the suddenness with which the world changed, it would take a few months before we could show on our pages these new, important health practices.

And when we were finally able to begin incorporating these ideas into Highlights, we started to receive complaints of a different sort. We heard from other loving parents who took a different view of the issue. They worried that we were frightening their children and trying to normalize behavior they didn’t feel should be normalized. They objected to our portrayal of what they felt were unnecessary practices. A few subscribers sent us links to sites discussing the wearing of masks and disseminating points of view at odds with science.

We wrote back to these parents too, explaining that we believe children deserve to see the world as it really is and that our current reality, when properly presented, doesn’t frighten kids. We explained that we see our magazines as more than simply entertainment. We work to create magazines that parents will find useful as they do their job of helping kids make sense of what they’re seeing in the world around them. We create content that inspires kids to be their best selves and suggests a call-to-action to kids who, despite their youth, can make a difference.

As we, as a society, try to come together and function as safely as we can during this health crisis, we want to share what we learned from the children’s health experts we consulted about our editorial approach to the pandemic. Here are four key points.

Wearing masks is one of the best defenses against COVID-19, and kids need to wear them too.

Medical experts told us that children ages 2 and up should wear masks in public, provided they are physically able to take their mask off themselves. Data shows that simply wearing a mask can decrease transmission of COVID-19 by 80 percent. When you combine that with at least 3 to 6 feet of distance, it can decrease transmission by 95 percent.

Dr. Tanya Altmann, a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, told us, “Everyone, children included, will need to wear masks until we get this virus under control. The vaccine will help with that, but it will take time to get enough people vaccinated and see the COVID case numbers come down to where we can stop wearing masks.”

Nearly all children can wear masks safely.

Some of the parents we heard from said they worry that mask wearing is detrimental to their kids’ development because kids need to see whole faces. According to Dr. Dipesh Navsaria, a practicing pediatrician and expert in children’s literacy, there is no data to back up this concern, and in fact, researchers worldwide who study children’s development of facial recognition agree. “Kids see faces at home—the faces of their family, faces in photographs, and on television and in books.” He said that when kids see faces partially covered in masks, they easily compensate, relying more on voice, tone, and eyes to communicate. “The concern is only valid in a few particular cases,” he said, “such as children who are deaf or speech-delayed.”

Jennifer Miller, M.Ed.,—founder of Confident Parents Confident Kids, researcher, and specialist in kids’ social-emotional development—agreed. She added that parents can help their kids compensate by coaching them to “look for the smiles in people’s eyes and even practice communicating with masks on.”

“When we teach our children to wear masks,” she said, “we are doing more than protecting their health and the health of others. We are also helping them develop valuable social-emotional skills that are vital in school and in life—skills related to self-management, social awareness, and responsible decision-making.”

With few exceptions, wearing a mask is not difficult for children.

A preschool or school-age child can learn that doctors believe they will stay safe from the virus and keep others safe by wearing a mask. “If parents tell kids in simple terms that masks help protect us all, and if they see other kids wearing masks, kids see that they can do that,” said Dr. Navsaria. He believes that the perception that kids have trouble wearing masks is more about kids’ ability to pick up their parents’ fears and disappointments. The biggest issue he sees in getting kids to wear masks is parents’ own reactions. “It’s more about their parents’ sense of loss and sadness,” he said. “We are mourning the loss of innocence for our kids.” He reminds parents to be aware that they may be projecting their fear and disappointment, which may be upsetting to their children.

“If anything, children may bring a positive bias to masks, since dress up and costumes have long been a part of children’s play,” said Jennifer Miller. “However, if a parent begrudgingly wears one or expresses disgust or anger with the mask or talks about it as a nuisance, then a child is likely to view it in the same way. If parents or caregivers discuss the importance of the mask based on good science to keep us all safe, children will perceive it similarly.”

Dr. Altmann believes that kids across the country and around the world have been doing fine wearing masks. “They still can learn, recognize their friends, interact, and play while wearing masks. They forget it’s on their face, and it just becomes the norm after a week and doesn’t bother them.”

Dr. Altmann said that her five-year-old daughter adjusted to mask wearing in part by putting masks on her stuffed animals. “I tell kids, ‘A mask is like a seatbelt. It helps protect you. Right now there is a virus going around that is making people sick, so doing things like wearing a mask, staying apart from friends, and washing hands can help keep us from getting the virus.’”

Even kids who don’t wear masks benefit from seeing other kids wear masks.

A few parents felt that showing kids in masks was meaningless to their children who were living in circumstances that didn’t seem to require mask wearing. We brought this up with Dr. Navsaria, who also holds an advanced degree in children’s librarianship, and he talked about mirrors and windows—a metaphor often used in conversations about the importance of diverse books. When books and magazines show kids who look like them, doing things they also do, those books and magazines provide kids with a mirror, he said, reinforcing kids’ sense of belonging. And when literature shows mask-wearing kids to readers who don’t wear masks, it gives those readers a window, allowing them to look out from their own experience and see a more realistic depiction of what the world looks like for others. Providing both mirrors and windows is one way we help build empathy in kids.

These recommendations align with the Highlights mission of helping kids be their best selves, and we’ve used them to inform our work. Like all of you, we look forward to the day when health officials say that the coronavirus is no longer such a serious threat. But in the meantime, Highlights will continue to depict children (and sometimes anthropomorphic animals representing children) wearing face coverings in situations that would require them.

For more tips on mask use for kids, visit HealthyChildren.org.

Childhood is “a short, sweet season,” worthy of the thoughtful attention of loving adults. That’s one of our core beliefs at Highlights.

In this early, brief window of life (Yes, brief. As the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short!), parents and grandparents have tremendous influence over their children. The seeds of curiosity, creativity, caring, and confidence, planted in the fertile soil of early childhood and nurtured, is how kids begin to grow into their best selves. And we can all agree that raising children who strive to be their best selves is our best hope for peace on earth.  

The holidays offer wonderful opportunities to double down on this intention. Many traditions place children front-and-center, with the adults in their lives bustling around them to create memories the kids will treasure for years. But what is it that we want our children to recall? What is it that should remain with our children permanently after the gifts are opened, the holiday goodies gobbled up, and the tree has shed its needles?

We want our children to remember feeling not just excited and entertained but, above all, loved. And we want them to experience the good feelings of making others feel loved. When we provide them with experiences that foster these feelings, we create the most meaningful kind of celebration.

If you want a holiday season rich with meaning—one that will give you all more joy and strengthen the family bond—here are a few ideas:

• Gather your family’s holiday-themed books, or visit your library to check out favorites. Gift wrap each book, and let your children choose one book to unwrap and read together at bedtime. They’ll enjoy the element of surprise and the time spent reading aloud together.
• Although less common these days, we like the practice of sending friends and family seasonal greetings. Let your kids help you create your family’s holiday card. If your tradition is a Christmas photo, solicit their ideas for a backdrop, a theme, and a message. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Strive for an authentic representation of your family! Or make a family card using your kids’ drawings. Maybe your crew would enjoy creating a video greeting card. If you enlist their help in scripting the message, they’ll practice writing skills and have fun at the same time.
• December calendars fill up fast with parties and special events. Take a breather and commit to spending at least one night a week “cocooning” at home. Keep this family night sacred by saying a firm no to other invitations. Order pizza or fix a simple dinner to allow time to play a board game, work a jigsaw puzzle, or watch a holiday movie. Bundle up and take a long winter walk or build a snowman family. Imagine at least four nights in this busy month that are all and only about your family!
• It’s easy for kids to catch the “gimmes” this time of year, but you can help them think of others. Engage them in a toy drive for less fortunate children. Or find a volunteer activity the whole family can do together. You could ring a bell to collect coins for charity, shop for a food pantry, volunteer to help serve at a community luncheon, or take supplies to a local animal shelter. To start the habit of charitable giving, you might talk with your children about donating a portion of their allowance to a cause they feel strongly about. When they give some of their own money, they may experience in a whole new way the good feeling that comes from being generous.
• Handmade gifts rock! They move the focus off the money and put it on thoughtfulness. Encourage your kids to think creatively about what they could make that a loved one would cherish, and then provide the necessary supplies. It might even be an opportunity for them to learn a new skill, such as knitting, scrapbooking, or even songwriting.
• Tell the story of the origin of the holiday you celebrate. Consider, also, sharing the origin stories of the holidays your friends and neighbors celebrate. This could open some great conversations about how we’re all alike, as well as different.
• Add to your family’s holiday traditions. Start a memory book. Buy or make a beautiful notebook or journal, which you’ll store with your seasonal decorations and bring out year after year. When the holiday is over—or as your family is celebrating—let each family member, including the kids, record some of their favorite moments from the month. Younger kids may need help writing—or you can encourage them to draw a picture to tell their story. They’ll enjoy revisiting their entries year after year—and so will you. 

My flight was delayed, and then delayed again. The gate was engulfed in a cloud of heavy sighs and grumbles. But my heart went out to the grandfather near me who was traveling alone with a preschooler. Grandpa had brought with him a bag of tricks, and, for a while, their interactions were cheerful. But as the delay dragged on and the boy grew bored with his toys, it looked as if he was going to become disruptive. Grandpa was losing his patience. His words were clipped, and he was working hard not to raise his voice. A “scene” seemed imminent.

I rummaged around in my own bag and pulled out copies of Highlights High Five, our magazine for preschoolers. Grandpa received them gratefully, pulled the boy on his lap, and began to read aloud. The boy snuggled in, and Grandpa’s voice reset to “kind and loving.” The two were once again enjoying each other’s company. It was a joy to watch how reading together soothed both the adult and the child, and I was delighted to see them revisit the magazines later on the flight, both of them laughing and talking happily together.

I remembered this experience when I read about the recent study by Rutger’s University published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. In a study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs, researchers found that mothers who read to their one-year-olds frequently engaged in less harsh parenting behaviors when their children were three. Mothers who read to their three-year-olds regularly parented less harshly when their children were five. The children who were read to regularly were better able to exercise self-control and pay better attention, which surely helped account for some of the gentler parenting.

This is the first study I’ve seen that links this practice to specific parenting behaviors, but I wasn’t surprised by the findings. Like all mothers, I discovered that babies can recognize their mother’s voice at birth when I observed it myself. Just hearing my voice helped soothe my fussy newborns and helped them feel safe. Babies who feel safe are generally happier babies, which leads to happier parents and a stronger parent-child bond. Pulling one of my children on my lap to share a book always made me feel closer to them. When we discovered a book that engaged them deeply, I felt as though somehow I understood them better, learning more what excited them, what they were curious about, even what frightened or confused them. I’m sure that made me better able to parent them. I’m also convinced that reading to my toddlers and preschoolers at bedtime helped them feel safe—a calming nighttime ritual for us all.

Other studies show that shared reading helps foster healthy brain development in babies and toddlers. That’s why pediatricians now “prescribe” regular reading with babies and young children►click here to watch tips on reading to babies and toddlers. In a baby, one billion new neural connections are made every second, building on themselves until 90% of the brain is developed by age 5. Its these pathways, or connections, that enable us to think, speak, and even move our bodies. The more connections the better, and one of the best ways to foster the development of these neural pathways is through reading.

This study also fits, in my mind, with other research that shows that reading to young children helps make them more empathetic. When we read aloud to our kids, we use different words and sounds to express a wide variety of emotions. Regular exposure to this practice helps little listeners better understand their own feelings and the emotions of others.

And to finish connecting all the dots—we’ve long known that shared reading with young children helps with language development and results in more positive academic outcomes when the children begin school. Children who are read to routinely have bigger vocabularies and a better grasp of grammar, and they tend to have an easier time learning to read independently.

These reasons alone should be enough to make us commit to read, read, read to our children. But isn’t it great to also know that shared reading with our kids may help the whole family “chill” and help us better experience the joy of parenting?    

Kids today still turn to their parents when they have something important to say, but increasingly, kids are looking to teachers to be role models and to provide guidance, according to   Highlights State of the Kid™survey  . Of the 2,000 kids polled, 25 percent said that they admire and respect their teachers because they are caring, loving, and kind. My own ten-year-old supports this finding because he told me about his teacher’s kindness on the first day, and subsequent days, of school.

This kind of feedback is a giant warm hug of gratitude to educators from U.S. children. It signifies that teachers realize the critical role of a caring relationship in learning. In fact, research backs up the idea that learning takes place—and brain connections are strengthened—when students feel connected to their teachers, fellow students, and the larger school community.

Kids’ perceptions of teachers as role models of kindness and caring point to a growing movement in education to focus on actively creating caring learning environments and promoting the whole child’s development—physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development. Social and emotional learning in schools means actively working to create a safe, caring, and connected school community in which students feel a sense of trust and belonging and cultivate skills like self-awareness, empathy, and responsible decision-making.

And parents agree! In my own survey of parents, 95 percent said they felt social and emotional skill development was the most critical of all skills for their child’s success in school today and for their future lives. So how do we, as parents, work with our child’s educators on this critical issue? Here are a few simple ideas.

1. Ask what your school does to promote relationships and social, emotional, and academic development. Approach your child’s teacher or the school’s parent-teacher association. (Here’s a tool to begin that conversation.)
2. Learn more together as partners. Check out my site, Confident Parents, Confident Kids, to learn more about the power of social and emotional learning in schools.
3. Get involved. Now more than ever, parents realize that involvement in their children’s education is key to their success. Ask in what ways you can give of your time. It doesn’t have to be volunteering in the classroom.

Show care and gratitude. It’s easy to get caught up in hearing the negative aspects of what’s going on at school. Instead, make a point of asking your child about the positives. What’s going well? What do you like about your teacher? Then, share your gratitude with the teacher. Let her know you notice. Complimentary words at pick-up time or a note from you can make a teacher’s week!

“Adam just caught the most gigantic bass, Mom,” my son exclaims as if Adam is a neighbor, a school friend, or at the very least, someone I know. But I quickly realize my eleven-year-old son is referring to one of his favorite “YouTubers.” Adam and others like him are creeping more and more into my son’s conversation and I recognize he’s learning new terminology, visiting new places, and encountering a host of new experiences. For this reason, I am eager to get to know Adam, understand the reason for my son’s enthusiasm, and explore what he is teaching through his videos.

My son is not alone. A large number of U.S. children have told Highlights in their 2018 State of the Kid survey that celebrities are a key and growing influencer in their lives. Yes, parents remain the top influencer and second and importantly, teachers also capture children’s admiration. But increasingly our children also look to the personalities on their screens for role modeling. Whether it’s an e-gamer (playing competitive video games) or a reality television show star or a professional athlete, fifteen percent of children ages 6-12 report that they admire and respect celebrities. In addition to noting that those role models are caring and kind, they said they were generous, helped others, were smart, and knowledgeable.

It’s no surprise that celebrities are rising in their influence considering that the average child is on screens between seven and eight hours per day. As parents, we know the dangers that lurk with a simple word search and click of a “return” key, so we may feel worried, even fearful, as our child explores the world through our home screens. Yet if she or he were to join a club, organization, or extracurricular, we wouldn’t hesitate to get to know those involved. The same is true for our child’s digital community.

We have an opportunity to lean in and learn from our resident experts and enthusiasts, our children. It won’t serve our trusting relationship if we play “Gotcha!” attempting to catch our child straying into the danger zone. But if we genuinely express interest and allow our child to lead our exploration, they may just grant us entry. We’ll have the chance to become reflective with them about what they are viewing, preparing our kids with the skills and tools they need to become screen smart. In turn, we’ll grow in our own ability to trust their new and ever-expanding world.

How to Connect Over Celebs

Getting to know our child’s influencers when we can shake a hand and make eye contact seems do-able. But what about celebrity influencers? How do we get to know them? Here are a few tips for parents.

1. Ask your child about their interests and influencers with an open mind.

Though we may fear what they could run into as they surf the web, their digital community is just that, yet another group they engage with. If your child joined a school club like the Girl Scouts, you’d learn more about all of the individuals involved. So too with their digital community, get to know the players involved led by your child.

2. Select and review new content together.

Help your child learn to become proactive about reviewing appropriateness of content with you and explain why that’s important showing the benefit. If your child has ever encountered a terrifying video, ask if those images have stayed in his or her mind. That’s an easy, relatable way to explain that not all content is appropriate or desirable (for kids and for adults!). Seek out review sites like Common Sense Media. Together type in the new app, game, or movie and learn more before viewing!

3. Share regular updates on influencers.

At family dinners, the conversation may naturally turn to the events of the day. If you know that a YouTube star is influencing your child, then bring that influencer into your conversation. “What’s he up to lately?” If that star makes a poor decision that could herself or others, discuss her other choices and the real-world consequences of those choices. Keeping an open conversation can not only give you invaluable insights into who your child is looking to for social cues, but also could keep your child safe, since she’ll know she can come to you if and when there is a problem.

4. Replace fear with curiosity and empathy.

After all, fear comes from the unknown. If we, as parents, are in touch with our child’s influencers, we don’t have to fear them. We can recall our own experiences of teen idol posters taped up on our bedroom walls. Or recall when we dog-eared and carefully noted the time when a television special would air our favorite star. Our children are feeling that same glow of admiration. And we can join in their enjoyment as we cuddle up next to them and their iPad to learn more.

The community of influencers on our children has and will continue to grow. Our ability to reach out, learn, and connect with those individuals will only deepen our trust and intimacy with our children. As for me, I’m delighted that my son, his friends, and indeed U.S. children are focused on learning from adults who are caring, kind, and generous.

In this day and age, the number and variety of after-school activities seem only to grow, making it easy to get overwhelmed by the choices or not know where to begin in narrowing down the options. Here are five tips to help you choose the right after-school activities for your child.

1. Identify your child’s interests

When researching after-school activities, start with your child’s interests. What subjects does she enjoy at school? What does she like to do outside of school? There may be a community class, school club, or team that directly or indirectly supports each interest. Your child may have ideas about what this is already, or she may not know the range of after-school options. Ask around—start with your child’s teacher or other parents. Sometimes, there are options to “try out” a class or club, for free or for a nominal fee. This can be a great way to gauge your child’s interest in person. Whether or not you’re able to try out an activity, involving your child as much as possible in the decision-making process will help give her ownership and agency over the decision—and may increase the possibility that she will enjoy the activity (this is not always the case, of course).  

2. Consider your child’s strengths and weaknesses

After-school activities are great for both leaning into strengths and overcoming weaknesses—so there is no one right way to make the decision. The following are aspects to consider: your child’s academic abilities, social skills, behavioral skills, self-esteem, focus and attention, and gross and fine motor skills. You can also weigh different styles of learning—for instance, visual, aural, verbal, and physical—and whether your child does better with solitary or group activities. Again, it’s good to lean into your child’s strengths, and, if possible and desired, to participate in activities that will stretch your child’s skills.

3. Determine what you and your child hope to get out of the activity

When choosing an after-school activity, it’s important to identify what you and your child hope to gain. Examples include having fun, making new friends, building leadership skills, encouraging self-esteem, and providing exercise. This can help you narrow down a search for activities. Then, once you have a shorter list, consider what the process and end goals are for each activity, and if they match what you and your child are looking for. Don’t forget: It can sometimes be easy to see your child’s activities through your own expectations. It’s normal to have some mismatch between expectations and outcomes. But to lessen stress for your whole family, it’s important to keep in mind an action plan—a way to be open—when these mismatches occur.

4. Prioritize balance and time management

With so many options available, children can get overscheduled in terms of homework, after-school activities, and family time. Decide whether an after-school activity is great to do in conjunction with—or after—planning out a daily and weekly schedule for your family. Make sure the chosen activity/activities give your child enough time to complete homework and eat and rest well.

5. Review costs and time commitment

After-school activities range widely in terms of costs. They may also involve rental fees for instruments or sports equipment. What is realistic for your family? Consider the time commitment of the activity too. Don’t forget to factor in transportation—how to get your child to and from the activity. If you aren’t available, is there a trusted person who could help your child get to and from the location?

Whatever activities your child partakes in this year, encourage him toward both a range of activities over the years and depth in one activity, if possible. He may build an unexpected friendship or mentorship, or discover an unexpected talent or interest. This may lead to a lifelong passion or career option, and even if not, it will help your child develop as a student and person.

It was heartening to learn that 93 percent of kids who responded to the 2018 Highlights State of the Kid™ survey say they’d take action if they saw someone doing or saying something mean, and that nearly all respondents—90 percent, in fact—feel that the grown-ups in their lives care about what they have to say. These findings are great news, representing an age of positive parenting, a shift from parents being focused on wanting kids to get “good grades/good jobs” to parents focused on nurturing the inner lives of their children too.

Such a shift begins with empowering our kids, helping them gain a sense of inner confidence, courage, and strength to successfully surmount whatever life presents! It is guiding them to persevere when obstacles arise as they always do, such as bullies, failed tests, mistakes, disappointments, and bruises. Having such inner strength will also move them toward pursuing their dreams.

The act of empowering children is a process of guiding them to feel and believe that they are powerful now, and creating optimum conditions that mirror these concepts back to them. Owen, age five, lit up when his father told him he was “so creative” and “talented” in his painting class. You could see Owen looking more confident and stronger. It is a great example of a child beginning to feel like a powerful creator.

Unfortunately, well-intentioned parents sometimes do the opposite as well. Olive, age eight, was dancing with friends and playing with her Hula-Hoop in the park. It was just good ole summer fun. Her mom told Olive that she looked as if she had “two left feet” when she was dancing. Olive cried. Instead of fueling Olive’s sense of power, her mom’s words diminished it.

Empowerment Essentials

Learning to empower children doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but the good news is that we each can become better. It really takes the same effort that you apply to any goal—enthusiasm, dedication, and a willingness to “set aside” any preconceived ideas, projections, and personal baggage. A child so wholeheartedly wants to believe his dreams can come true. So it is up to us, the adults, to support this notion (whether it makes sense to us or not!). For example, little Joey, age three, told me he wants to be a spaceship repairman. I replied, “Go for it!”

As you gather your emotional and mental forces to focus on empowering your children, there are three techniques that can help you consciously empower them. They are:

• Mirroring. It is the process of serving as the reflection of children’s abilities, skills, and qualities so they begin to “see” themselves as they really are: highly valuable, talented, and capable right now. Owen’s father, from the example cited earlier, mirrored to Owen his creative strengths. The effect was nearly immediate because you could see Owen feeling more positive and confident.

• Encouragement. Such support--“putting in” courage or belief in your children—enables them to see themselves as they are: highly competent now. Madeline, age six, had her training wheels taken off her bike recently. She was excited and terrified. Her mom came to her side and said, “You can do it! I believe in you,” and with a little push, Madeline did it! Her mom’s words of encouragement made all the difference.

• Partnering. Let your child know that he can count on you for support, but negotiate so he’ll be willing to try new experiences. If he is hesitant to, say, attend a birthday party with second-grade classmates he doesn’t know very well, give him an out. “If you go for an hour and are miserable, I’ll come pick you up.”

Encouragement, mirroring, and partnering may seem like simple ideas—and they are. I believe that many things are simple but they’re not always easy. It’s like riding 100 miles on your bicycle—conceptually it is easy, but actually doing it is much harder. What I know for sure is that by making small changes in our everyday strategies, we can impact big changes in our children, which help them feel and ultimately do their best. 

With the excitement of the new school year often come many changes for your child: a different teacher, classroom, and classmates, for example. Getting on the same page as your child’s teacher—whether through a conference or back-to-school night meeting—is a great way to support your child. Here are five questions to ask your child’s teacher this month.

1. What can my child and I expect regarding homework?

While homework can vary on a daily or weekly basis, asking your child’s teacher about the typical amount can help you and your child begin to develop a time-management plan for the after-school hours—one that includes extracurricular activities and relaxation. Sometimes there will be more or less homework depending on the day of the week (e.g., more on weekdays vs. weekends). It may also be helpful to understand what homework may consist of (e.g., answering questions or reading a text), if there are any subjects/types of homework to prioritize over others, and how homework may be graded (e.g., for completion or correctness). If you’d like, ask the teacher how she sees homework fitting into the overall picture of your child’s education. The answers to these questions can help you create a routine and environment in which your child can best flourish.

2. Are there any major projects or ongoing due dates?

Besides daily homework, many teachers assign large or recurring projects, like book reports, reading logs, and spelling tests. Knowing what larger projects are to come—such as a science-fair project in the spring—can help you figure out the rhythm of the school year. Likewise, understanding regular due dates will allow you and your child to plan around sick days or days you take off for vacation. Keep an eye out for updated due dates because teachers may need to shift dates around to adjust for pacing.

3. What are your classroom values and policies?

Asking your child’s teacher about classroom values and policies will help you understand the environment in which your child is spending time daily. In terms of policies, don’t be afraid to ask about the nitty-gritty—like the late homework policy, for instance.  Knowing what to do if your child needs to miss school or gets a bit off track is crucial. Will points be deducted from late assignments, and if so, how many? What happens if your child misses a test? Can it be made up? Your child will have a better chance of success once he knows the ins and outs of these classroom policies.

4. How can I best support my child outside of school?

Speak with your child’s teacher about tips and strategies for supporting your child outside of school. How can you best help with homework or preparing for tests? What outside resources (e.g., online/library resources or educational games) or book recommendations does the teacher have—specifically for your child’s strengths and weaknesses? You probably already know some, but also ask about community events or real-world activities that your child can get involved in, like those at libraries or museums. The teacher may come up with more as the year goes on and as she gets to know your child better.

5. What is the best way for a parent to reach the teacher, and vice versa?

Since you and your child’s teacher are working together to help your child best succeed at school, keeping communication lines open is key. Find out what the teacher’s preferred mode of communication is: email, telephone, a message through the school’s online portal, or a handwritten note. If you’d like, and from time to time, consider scheduling an in-person meeting outside of conferences to check in with your child’s teacher. Also, don’t forget to ask how you can expect to hear from the teacher, whether that’s also through online or other means.

As soon as you can, get in touch with your child’s teacher, whether that’s a simple hello and introduction during back-to-school night or at a sit-down meeting. This will help you and your family begin to create a plan for the year to best help your child succeed.