parenting

It was heartening to learn that 93 percent of kids who responded to the 2018 Highlights State of the Kid™ survey say they’d take action if they saw someone doing or saying something mean, and that nearly all respondents—90 percent, in fact—feel that the grown-ups in their lives care about what they have to say. These findings are great news, representing an age of positive parenting, a shift from parents being focused on wanting kids to get “good grades/good jobs” to parents focused on nurturing the inner lives of their children too.

Such a shift begins with empowering our kids, helping them gain a sense of inner confidence, courage, and strength to successfully surmount whatever life presents! It is guiding them to persevere when obstacles arise as they always do, such as bullies, failed tests, mistakes, disappointments, and bruises. Having such inner strength will also move them toward pursuing their dreams.

The act of empowering children is a process of guiding them to feel and believe that they are powerful now, and creating optimum conditions that mirror these concepts back to them. Owen, age five, lit up when his father told him he was “so creative” and “talented” in his painting class. You could see Owen looking more confident and stronger. It is a great example of a child beginning to feel like a powerful creator.

Unfortunately, well-intentioned parents sometimes do the opposite as well. Olive, age eight, was dancing with friends and playing with her Hula-Hoop in the park. It was just good ole summer fun. Her mom told Olive that she looked as if she had “two left feet” when she was dancing. Olive cried. Instead of fueling Olive’s sense of power, her mom’s words diminished it.

Empowerment Essentials

Learning to empower children doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but the good news is that we each can become better. It really takes the same effort that you apply to any goal—enthusiasm, dedication, and a willingness to “set aside” any preconceived ideas, projections, and personal baggage. A child so wholeheartedly wants to believe his dreams can come true. So it is up to us, the adults, to support this notion (whether it makes sense to us or not!). For example, little Joey, age three, told me he wants to be a spaceship repairman. I replied, “Go for it!”

As you gather your emotional and mental forces to focus on empowering your children, there are three techniques that can help you consciously empower them. They are:

• Mirroring. It is the process of serving as the reflection of children’s abilities, skills, and qualities so they begin to “see” themselves as they really are: highly valuable, talented, and capable right now. Owen’s father, from the example cited earlier, mirrored to Owen his creative strengths. The effect was nearly immediate because you could see Owen feeling more positive and confident.

• Encouragement. Such support--“putting in” courage or belief in your children—enables them to see themselves as they are: highly competent now. Madeline, age six, had her training wheels taken off her bike recently. She was excited and terrified. Her mom came to her side and said, “You can do it! I believe in you,” and with a little push, Madeline did it! Her mom’s words of encouragement made all the difference.

• Partnering. Let your child know that he can count on you for support, but negotiate so he’ll be willing to try new experiences. If he is hesitant to, say, attend a birthday party with second-grade classmates he doesn’t know very well, give him an out. “If you go for an hour and are miserable, I’ll come pick you up.”

Encouragement, mirroring, and partnering may seem like simple ideas—and they are. I believe that many things are simple but they’re not always easy. It’s like riding 100 miles on your bicycle—conceptually it is easy, but actually doing it is much harder. What I know for sure is that by making small changes in our everyday strategies, we can impact big changes in our children, which help them feel and ultimately do their best. 

With the excitement of the new school year often come many changes for your child: a different teacher, classroom, and classmates, for example. Getting on the same page as your child’s teacher—whether through a conference or back-to-school night meeting—is a great way to support your child. Here are five questions to ask your child’s teacher this month.

1. What can my child and I expect regarding homework?

While homework can vary on a daily or weekly basis, asking your child’s teacher about the typical amount can help you and your child begin to develop a time-management plan for the after-school hours—one that includes extracurricular activities and relaxation. Sometimes there will be more or less homework depending on the day of the week (e.g., more on weekdays vs. weekends). It may also be helpful to understand what homework may consist of (e.g., answering questions or reading a text), if there are any subjects/types of homework to prioritize over others, and how homework may be graded (e.g., for completion or correctness). If you’d like, ask the teacher how she sees homework fitting into the overall picture of your child’s education. The answers to these questions can help you create a routine and environment in which your child can best flourish.

2. Are there any major projects or ongoing due dates?

Besides daily homework, many teachers assign large or recurring projects, like book reports, reading logs, and spelling tests. Knowing what larger projects are to come—such as a science-fair project in the spring—can help you figure out the rhythm of the school year. Likewise, understanding regular due dates will allow you and your child to plan around sick days or days you take off for vacation. Keep an eye out for updated due dates because teachers may need to shift dates around to adjust for pacing.

3. What are your classroom values and policies?

Asking your child’s teacher about classroom values and policies will help you understand the environment in which your child is spending time daily. In terms of policies, don’t be afraid to ask about the nitty-gritty—like the late homework policy, for instance.  Knowing what to do if your child needs to miss school or gets a bit off track is crucial. Will points be deducted from late assignments, and if so, how many? What happens if your child misses a test? Can it be made up? Your child will have a better chance of success once he knows the ins and outs of these classroom policies.

4. How can I best support my child outside of school?

Speak with your child’s teacher about tips and strategies for supporting your child outside of school. How can you best help with homework or preparing for tests? What outside resources (e.g., online/library resources or educational games) or book recommendations does the teacher have—specifically for your child’s strengths and weaknesses? You probably already know some, but also ask about community events or real-world activities that your child can get involved in, like those at libraries or museums. The teacher may come up with more as the year goes on and as she gets to know your child better.

5. What is the best way for a parent to reach the teacher, and vice versa?

Since you and your child’s teacher are working together to help your child best succeed at school, keeping communication lines open is key. Find out what the teacher’s preferred mode of communication is: email, telephone, a message through the school’s online portal, or a handwritten note. If you’d like, and from time to time, consider scheduling an in-person meeting outside of conferences to check in with your child’s teacher. Also, don’t forget to ask how you can expect to hear from the teacher, whether that’s also through online or other means.

As soon as you can, get in touch with your child’s teacher, whether that’s a simple hello and introduction during back-to-school night or at a sit-down meeting. This will help you and your family begin to create a plan for the year to best help your child succeed.

By Caroline Knorr, Parenting Editor, Common Sense Media 

Some schools use a little technology: a few educational apps to mix things up, maybe a weekly trip to the computer lab. Some use a lot: one-to-one device programs, class management systems, and automated grade-reporting. Many districts are even adopting schoolwide networks with names you'll recognize, such as Google Classroom and the Facebook-engineered Summit Learning System. Time will tell if all this technology better prepares students for a digital world. But one thing is true: If it's digital, it uses data, and that means your kid's information is more valuable -- and more vulnerable -- than ever. Schools need to safeguard student privacy as fiercely as a mama bear -- and you, as the parent, need to know how they're doing it. Here are the right questions to ask, and the answers you should expect, to make sure any tech your kid uses at school is protecting your kid's privacy.

How does the school decide if the educational software or apps it uses protect my kid's privacy?

Your kid's school should review the privacy policies of any software or device that requires your kid to log in with a screen name and password. You can ask for a copy of the product's privacy policy, or you can talk to the teacher or your principal to get assurances that they know what they're doing.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Stored data is encrypted, password protected, and only available to certain administrators who need it for educational purposes. Ask who that person is.
• Companies don't collect more information than they need for educational purposes -- and those reasons are clearly and narrowly defined. Keep an eye out for requests for personal information that don't seem relevant to education (for example, your religious beliefs).
• Companies don't trade or sell student info to others. If you suspect your kid's information has been sold (because you're receiving ads in the mail, etc.), notify your school administrator.
• More than one person (for example, a teacher, administrator, and an IT professional) reviews the companies' policies. Ask for their names in case you need them.

Even better: The company supplying the software has undergone some sort of third-party vetting or evaluation process -- such as the evaluation offered by Common Sense Media's Privacy Initiative. The list of companies and software used is frequently updated and accessible to parents and students. Find out where the list is.

What information does the school collect and how is it stored? 

Schools need to offer a clear educational purpose for any personal information it asks for. (Social Security numbers are an example of information many schools have collected in the past, but not any longer because they couldn't justify the educational purpose of collecting that data.)

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• The school asks for basic identification only -- for example, name, address, and phone number.
• The school encrypts any information it receives and uses security procedures to protect any data in transit. That means no one can read the information without authorized security clearance and a password. Ask how they do this.

Even better: The school restricts access to information solely to those who need to know it -- for example, only a school nurse has access to medical information, via passwords, technical controls, or other physical safeguards. The school deletes information once it is no longer needed for your kid's education or required to be kept by state or federal law. Ask exactly when your kid’s information will be deleted.

Who can get access to the school's list of students and their contact information?

Federal law limits who can get access to a school's directory of basic stuff like your kid's name, address, telephone number, and other general information.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Schools comply with the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) by notifying parents of any information that they collect and what directory information includes, as well as providing parents the choice to to opt out.
• The method of notification is up to the school, so ideally they should use methods that will get your attention, such as a letter sent home that you have to sign. Ask how they notify parents: by email, a letter home, etc.?
• Ideally, schools offer easily accessible and flexible opt-in and opt-out consent options -- not merely one blanket form that opts you into, or out of, everything.
• Some schools offer a checklist that lets you choose which information to share with which third parties. For example, you may feel comfortable sharing your student's name and address with the developer of your kid's reading software application, but you may not feel comfortable sharing your student’s dates of attendance.
• Or even though the school is allowed to share directory information with your kid's after-school program, it gives you the option not to. Ask how your school manages distributing this information.

Even better: Under FERPA, schools are actually allowed to disclose certain directory information without your consent. A yearbook publisher, a class-ring manufacturer, and military recruiters are a few examples of outside organizations to which the school can send directory information. But some of this information is fairly personal, including place of birth, honors, awards, and dates of attendance. A school that's being careful will ask for consent before disclosing this or any other information. Ask if your school does this.

When do I need to provide consent for my student to use software at school?

Schools are allowed to provide consent on behalf of parents when they're using an app that collects information solely for educational purposes, such as an app that helps teachers take attendance. The school, the district, or an authorized teacher should ask parents to provide consent if any software or applications used in the classroom will collect information from students that's not for an exclusively educational purpose. When parental consent is requested the notice to parents should include how they can provide consent and what practices they are consenting to.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• Schools should notify parents, for example as a list on their webpage, of all educational software that the school has consented to students using, what data it's collecting, how the data is used, and how the data is protected.
• Schools should generally not ask for parental consent as a way to limit their own liability. When schools ask for consent, the school should have verified beforehand that the software is safe and that there is no safer or non-commerical alternative that could substitute for that software.

Even better: Schools ask for consent when they use educational products that are not essential. For example, if a student could learn a concept using an existing math worksheet rather than playing a digital math game -- and the teacher wouldn't have to create a worksheet specifically for that student -- the game is likely not essential. In that case it's nice if schools want to give parents the option to consent or not.

What's the school's policy on Bring Your Own Device (BYOD)?

BYOD programs are a lower-cost way for schools to integrate technology into the classroom. But tablets and laptops store a lot of sensitive information, including personal data (name, address, etc.), raw data such as performance reports, and "cookies" -- the personal identifiers that track your student’s path around the internet. Also, many students may not have reliable broadband internet access at home in which to complete online assignments, so BYOD should be used in conjunction with other programs at school.

What you should hear in the school's answer:

• The school vets the privacy policies of all third-party programs installed on your student’s devices and makes sure that they comply with the Children's Online Privacy and Protection Act (COPPA). Look up any app the school recommends on Common Sense Media or Common Sense Education to double-check its practices.

Even better: The school has a written process about device searches (which includes notifying you before the device is searched). Schools should ideally not install monitoring software, track the device's location, or remotely access the camera on a student's personal device. Be aware though that schools are required to monitor their internet networks under federal law, and some student data may be collected through that monitoring. Ask who within the school and district can access any device-specific tracking information and when this information is deleted.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis spent five years researching why many kids today are unruly, willful, disruptive, frustrated, and reactive. The answers are in her new book The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever—And What to Do About It (PublicAffairs). We asked Katherine what families do to reinforce this bad behavior—and what they should do instead.

Q. In your book, you say that kids’ behavior is worse than ever, and that traditional techniques to change bad behavior aren’t working. What’s going on with kids today—and why aren’t time-outs and sticker charts effective?

A. It’s hard to know if these techniques ever worked. But it’s clear to me from my research that they don’t work now with children growing up today [unlike baby boomers and their offspring, who as children generally did as they were told and behaved as expected]. The problem with past disciplinary methods [from spanking on up to sticker charts] is they impose external control, as opposed to helping a child develop a sense of self-control and self-discipline. I never want to tell parents to stop a method they feel is working. But if, say, your sticker-chart system suddenly stops working, it may be because your child hasn’t developed self-control yet. Be alert to that. In some instances, time-outs are likely to provoke power struggles and revenge behavior—but time-outs can also be helpful. In a peaceful moment you can ask your child, “What helps you when you feel out of control?” Then a time-out is not a punishment; it’s a calming strategy.

Q. You also write that traditional methods of discipline actually move families further from good behavior. What’s the real goal and why are traditional measures to achieve it counterproductive?

A. Ultimately, our goal is to raise self-disciplined children. Anything we do that helps kids understand that actions have consequences is valuable. When we solve their problems for them, or let them off the hook when they misbehave, kids don’t learn those lessons. Instead, they spend their energy thinking about how to get around our rules.

Q. Then what does work? In your book you talk about the apprenticeship model of parenting. What is it—and why is this parenting style more effective at drawing out good behavior in kids?

A. The apprenticeship model of parenting is a technique that encourages parents to connect with their kids, communicate their expectations clearly, and then trust their children’s ability to uphold their part of the agreement and to regulate their behavior. Any agreement has to include the children’s input and needs as well as the parents’.

Q. So how should parents go about putting the apprenticeship model into action—and what else can they do to encourage good behavior in kids and make the connection more effective?

A. The number one most powerful thing parents can do to stop kids’ bad behavior is to connect with them. The challenge is: If we tell kids that they are doing something wrong when they are acting out, we’re missing out on connecting with them just when they need us the most. We can use our physical presence in a powerful, calming way. That can help in a heated moment. But it’s also critical to build that connection at other times, through shared activities such as meals, game times, and even household chores and projects.

The second piece is communication. Here again, we need to remember: Our goal should be to build skills. When a child is having a meltdown, of course we want him to be quiet. But even better is if we can start helping him recognize the emotions he’s experiencing, and learn to manage them. Often, that communication needs to happen after a meltdown or problem. Then, once the child is calm, brainstorm how to respond in the future. You could say, “Sometimes when I’m frustrated, like you were earlier, I like to listen to my favorite song or take a short walk. What helps you feel better when you’re frustrated?”

Capability is the payoff. Capability building is the prize that we parents get for all the work connecting and communicating. When kids feel capable—when they have a sense of their own competence and purpose—they’re less prone to acting out. It’s so helpful to notice when your children make that incremental progress—for example, when they calm down from a meltdown after 10 minutes when previously it was an hour, or when they remember their binder as you drive away from school instead of after dinner. We can be their memory keepers, helping them mark their progress and notice how they’re growing and becoming more capable. It’s encouraging for them and for us.

Chores, or household jobs are a big piece of this. When kids do them, they build that “I can do this” feeling. They see themselves as someone who makes a real contribution to the family. And underlying this is the confidence to know that they can manage their emotions as well as they can manage a spatula or a sponge.

Q. What can parents do when they feel they’ve made a mistake (yelled at a child, or failed to enforce a family agreement)?

A. There’s a lot of advice out there to be calm and respond with love in every moment. But we’re human! So it’s an opportunity to apologize to our kids and set our own intentions to behave differently the next time: You could say, “I’m sorry I yelled. I should have gone for a walk around the block or taken 10 minutes to cool down.”

Q. You write: “Parenting in this way means consciously breaking with the norms in the culture around us.” What do you mean by that?

A. My experience has been, and my research has validated this, that our society expects parents to always be in control of kids. If kids do something wrong, it’s the parents’ fault. So there’s an impulse to micromanage, to direct, to punish kids rather than letting them learn from the consequences of their actions. When kids test boundaries and take risks, there is an unspoken or explicit pressure to intervene. There are so many situations like this: Forgetting their school lunch, not wearing clothes that match, talking out of turn—all those things our kids do that other people judge. Kids are figuring themselves out. We need to give ourselves a pass to not worry about what other parents think. Know you’re doing what’s right for your child and your family.

Your elementary school-aged child may not yet have encountered intensive studying or lengthy projects. However, this is a great time to begin instilling good study habits in your child. At this impressionable age, children can begin to grasp the importance of structured study and its long-term educational benefits. Older students, such as those in grades four and five, can benefit from guidance when it comes to implementing positive study habits, and younger students can begin absorbing the basics of these good habits.

Looking to help your student head back to school on the right foot? Here are three study habits to teach your child this fall.

1. Encourage a regular homework routine.

Elementary-school students often participate in a number of after-school activities. Even though your schedule may be busy once the school day ends, it’s crucial to create and execute a consistent homework routine at home. Set aside a designated amount of time each afternoon or evening for your child to tackle any homework. At the beginning of homework time, have her review what assignments she’ll be working on that day. Next, help her prioritize tasks in an order that suits her best. If your student has little or no homework one day, fill the remaining time with reading or another educational activity. Establishing a homework routine teaches students the importance of staying on top of assigned tasks.

Additionally, encourage productivity by creating a positive study environment. Eliminate obstacles, like technology, that can hinder your student’s concentration. Ensure there are minimal distractions in her study space so she can have the best chance of success.

2. Foster independent work habits.

While forming a structured study routine is vital, it’s most successful when your student engages in independent study during this time. Remain present with your younger student in order to provide support when needed, but encourage him to seek out answers on his own before stepping in to help. For an older student, motivate him to work through problems himself as opposed to giving him the answers. If he is unsure of a math solution, for example, prompt him to walk you through how he thinks the problem should be executed. This will allow you to understand where he may be confused and illustrate to him how verbalizing concerns can help solve problems.

Encouraging independent study in your student allows him to learn to work through issues on his own and strengthens problem-solving skills. Regardless of age, establish semester goals with your student, and identify with him specific ways he can work to accomplish them. This may be as simple as getting good grades on spelling tests. Have him note ways he can practice his spelling each week leading up to tests in order to reach his goal. Independent study habits boil down to your child feeling ownership of his education—therefore, these habits can look different for each student and each age group. Assess your student’s workload and current study habits so you can successfully establish the right type of independent work for him.

3. Promote essential skills.

Vital skills—such as organization and time management—play directly into productive study habits. When encouraging good habits at home, discuss with your child the importance of these skills and how educational productivity stems directly from them.

It’s important for students to keep school items organized and in an easily accessible place. With students facing weekly, monthly, and quarterly deadlines, it can be helpful to keep a planner or calendar to identify these commitments. Have your child help with this so she will be able to understand how her deadlines work. At the start of each week, review what will be expected of her in the coming days, and address any questions or concerns she may have. Motivating your student to stay organized, both with assignments and supplies, can help her to understand the importance of this skill to her ultimate educational success.

Older students can practice time management through a variety of techniques. Have your child create homework timelines each night to help her learn to prioritize important tasks and spend the appropriate amount of time on each. Though younger students can’t compose study timelines, they can learn and execute basic time-management skills. Explain to her the importance of working through tasks in a timely manner and not getting sidetracked by outside distractions.

When teaching your student good study habits this fall, have an open conversation about areas where she may benefit from more structured practice. Instilling positive study habits in students at a young age can set them up for overall academic success.

Michael was seven years old and headed to class in second grade. Here’s what he was wearing: pointy black cowboy boots, a brown leather aviator jacket, and faded blue jeans, each knee with a rip of his own making.


He had also put on black sunglasses and a black-and-white bandanna, wrapped expertly, by his own hand, around his brow. And to top it all off, dangling from his right ear, left over from a Halloween costume, was a gold-plated, clip-on hoop earring.

At the time, this was pretty much his standard outfit. He was four feet tall and weighed 45 pounds. He boarded the yellow bus decked out like a rock star going on a cross-country tour.

All this took some serious preparation behind the scenes. Michael would hang out in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his thick, wavy brown hair to mimic the styles he caught on music videos on TV. He begged us to let him grow his hair longer so he could sport a ponytail.

But the look Michael adopted was going to take him only so far in his still barely adolescent life. So he also mastered a second language: fluent back talk. If I joked with him or somehow said something that upset him, he might tell me to give him a break or take a hike or fly a kite.

He would propose, with a growing frequency that caused me worry, that I either get out of town, get real, get a job or, more simply, get a life. His mouth came to strike me as a prematurely—and precociously—adult instrument, a weapon of mass destruction.


Oh, he was the complete package all right: the funky uniform, the hipper-than-thou attitude, the up-to-the-minute idiom. His purpose was clear. Michael wanted more than anything on the planet to be cool. Too cool for school.

So it went for a spell, maybe a year or two. He would strut through our apartment, lip-synching to M.C. Hammer and fingering an air guitar. He would carry a comb to school to keep up appearances. He would chase girls around the playground, no doubt without yet quite understanding why.


He bopped along with us on family outings too—bandanna, earring, and all—and drew surprised glances and even occasional rubbernecking from passersby. One time we all went out for pizza and the teenagers at the next table in the restaurant were so taken with his look that he was invited over for a cameo appearance.

As it happened, I knew the deal here, understood the impulses that drove our son. At his age, I was short and skinny, with thick black glasses and frizzy hair. I, too, once wanted more than anything to be too cool for school.

So I never said anything to Michael about his getup or his wisecracks, nor saw any reason to. I knew nothing I said to him would make any difference, or even necessarily should. Rather, I chose to do what I really had no choice but to do. Privately, in my heart of hearts, I cheered him on. At least one of us, I figured, should get to be cool.

Happiness is a warm puppy. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Don't worry, be happy! Rules for how to live happily are nothing new. But lately, our well-being -- and that of our kids -- seems to be in free fall. Depression, anxiety, and even youth suicide rates are increasing, as is cell phone and device use and the constant expectation to be "on." Raising kids to be happy in today's world isn't impossible: Many generations of parents have managed to do so when the threats were way worse than FOMO. We just need to rewrite the rules for the digital age.

The quest to make sure our kids are happy may have led us in the wrong direction. While media and tech deserve some of the blame for our collective stress, no one really knows how much. However, we do know that turning everything off doesn't magically make us happier. In fact, studies show that some types of screen-based activities can be beneficial -- and we all know the warm, fuzzy feeling we get when we enjoy media together. As more research emerges on the impact of media and tech on kids' mental health, it confirms what we've always known about how to be happy: Supportive relationships, a feeling of self-worth, strong character, and other positive influences are what really matter. And while you can’t mandate joy, supporting your kid -- both online and off -- creates an environment where happiness is there for the taking. These tips can help you raise a happy kid in the digital age:

Get gritty. 

Grit -- the combination of perseverance and resilience that helps you bounce back from disappointments -- plays an important role in well-being. At school, online, and even with friends, kids feel pressured to achieve something on the first try. Instead, instill what’s called a "growth mindset," the process of trying, failing, and learning from mistakes. When they feel defeated, their inner voice will say, "You got this!"

Nourish their sense of self-worth. 

Likes, comments, and other indicators of online status are part of kids' social-media lives. But there's a tipping point when a kid’s perfectly natural curiosity about what others think about them turns into a harmful fixation on peer validation that can cause depression. You can help inoculate your kid against this by fostering an internal sense of self-worth. Encourage activities and hobbies that give kids a sense of accomplishment on their own terms.

Be grateful. 

Being aware and thankful is a tried-and-true life hack that leads to a stronger sense of well-being. You can actually use media and tech to cultivate a sense of gratitude. Check out sites and apps that let kids help make the world a better place. Watch TV shows and movies that inspire gratitude. At home, create a culture of appreciation by discussing what you're grateful for. Check out Greater Good Magazine's Gratitude page for more ideas.

Go outside. 

Seriously, that's all you need to do. Nature is scientifically proven to boost well-being. If you need inspiration, watch nature movies or download apps that encourage outdoor exploration. Or just put down your phone, close the laptop, turn off the TV, and go for a walk.

Foster connection.

In the digital age, kids can make new friends and strengthen existing relationships online, whether it's in a rousing game of Fortnite, a few hearts on Instagram, or even a FaceTime session with the grandparents. But the happiest people are the ones who consistently find a balance between screens and the rest of life. And as the grown-ups, we're the ones who need to model healthy habits. So, carve out screen-free times at home. Unplug everything so you can make eye contact and really listen to family and friends without distractions. By all means, enjoy media together -- but set limits so it doesn't interfere with face-to-face interactions.

That’s my son Michael in the photo right there. He might be a month old, maybe two. He’s asleep. I’m in the picture, and my wife, Elvira, is there, too, leaning toward him. We’re both smiling. Our faces seem to say, We have our own kid now—yay!

Michael is also in the next photo, cradled in his mother’s arms. Her palm is flat on his belly. His face round, his complexion fair. His mouth is moist and his nose, just a button. He’s wearing a soft, fuzzy, eggshell-blue onesie. He’s as asleep as only a baby can be asleep, cozy in his mother’s nestling arms. Perfect harmony captured for all time.

Now here’s Michael on another day, but with Grandma Nettie. She’s at our dining-room table, holding him gingerly, as if he were a trophy just bestowed on her. She’s leaning to her right to position herself precisely for a single purpose: to take in the sight of her first grandchild. Her face is cast in shadow, but you can still make out her smile.

But now look at what else is going on in this photo. Michael is perched in her arms, in his diaper and bare feet, and he’s staring at her. And his mouth is open.

It’s as if he’s saying, Oh.

It’s as if he’s saying, Wow.

Grandma Nettie is marveling at Michael, and Michael is marveling right back. Some serious mutual marveling is going on here.

Here’s Michael in the bathtub, now about six and a half years old, and up to his chest in white, foamy bubbles. He’s smiling widely, his tongue halfway out. It’s because once again he has some company in there, namely his one-year-old sister Caroline.

Hey, his smile says, I’m taking a bubble bath with my little sister!

Hey, her smile says, I’m taking a bubble bath with my big brother!

I stare at that photo and ask myself, Were a brother and sister ever happier than in this moment?

First his mother, then his grandmother, and now his sister: surrounded by women, no little boy ever had it so good.

In case you ever doubt your memories, you can easily check. Just look at the pictures. And then look again. Eventually, everything comes into focus. You get a second chance to see your child for the first time. The photos also confirm the love you felt in those intimate moments. They also reveal just how deep it goes. 

The first day of school prompts many emotions for both parents and kids—excitement, fear of the unknown, and the promise of endless possibility. However, the transition from preschool to kindergarten can also be challenging for your young child. This shift can feel quite different from the expectations and routine of preschool, so it’s important to ensure your child is as ready as possible for this change. Luckily, there are ways to help your student gain confidence and tackle those first-day jitters. Here are three tactics you can use to begin preparing your child for kindergarten.

1. Introduce her to her new routine.

Regardless of the type of preschool she attended (if applicable), the demands of kindergarten can be quite an adjustment. Even if your child was in full-day preschool, kindergarten carries a wide range of challenges that might feel overwhelming at first. She may encounter a higher student-to-teacher ratio, more structured learning activities that require a specific level of focus, and an increase in social interactions, both with peers and older students. Talk with her about these expectations, in an effort to help her feel at ease going into the first day.

Additionally, begin a new routine at home. The sooner she gets accustomed to what mornings and evenings will look like while in kindergarten, the smoother the transition will be. First, begin a structured morning routine a few weeks prior to school starting. This can include her waking up at the same time each morning, getting ready for the day, and sitting down for breakfast. At night, begin practicing a routine that can include picking out clothes for the next day, contributing to packing snacks and a lunch, and getting to sleep on time. The more this routine feels normal prior to the first day of school, the easier it may be to execute once the big day arrives.

It’s also key to ask her if there are any aspects of her new routine, both in and outside of school, that she has questions about. Ironing out any potential sources of anxiety before school starts can ease the transition for both of you.

2. Practice kindergarten readiness skills.

A great way to help your student feel prepared for kindergarten is to find ways to strengthen relevant skills prior to the first day of school. There are many activities you can do in your everyday life to improve his reading, math, fine motor, and social skills. Have your student assist you in counting how many fruits you need from the grocery store, identify letters of the alphabet on signs around town, and practice good manners, such as saying please and thank you. In addition, you can play I Spy to help him strengthen his vocabulary and color-recognition skills.

There are many skills your student will learn in the early months of kindergarten that you can begin working on at home. These may include using scissors, classifying objects in accordance with their size and shape, writing his full name, and identifying rhyming words. If he isn’t proficient in these skills before the first day of school, though, don’t stress. He will have plenty of time to practice once the school year begins.

Another skill that can be useful to know before kindergarten is how to follow two- and three-step instructions. These include prompts like “Collect your bag from the coatroom, and line up by the door.” He was likely taught this in preschool, but go over the concept with him to ensure he fully understands the importance of it. In addition to these skills, there may be other concepts you or his future teacher have identified to practice before the school year begins. Note these when planning first-day prep. 

3. Take a tour of the school.

A large part of feeling prepared for this change is for your child to feel as confident as possible going into the first day. Schools often host orientations at the beginning of the year for students and families to explore the building, but don’t be afraid to call the school and to request an earlier tour. The more your child understands the layout of the school, such as what her classroom looks like, the more confident she will feel as the school year approaches. Before this visit, talk to her about what specific aspects of the school make her apprehensive, and use this opportunity to ease her mind.

The kindergarten transition can be challenging for both you and your child. The good news is there are steps you can take to send a confident and prepared student off on the first day of school. 

On special occasions, like birthdays, my parents would let my sister and me share a can of soda with our dinner. I remember how we would put two identical glasses side-by-side on the table and take turns pouring a little soda into each of them, periodically checking, like surveyors measuring a million-dollar property, to make sure that both glasses contained exactly the same amount of liquid, down to the last milliliter.

We measured our parents’ love in the same way, always vigilant to make sure we got equal amounts of it: equal amounts of attention, affection, praise, and presents. If one of us ever felt she was not getting her fair share, our home would ring with that most aggrieved accusation in the siblings’ handbook: “You love her more than you love me!”

In less emotional moments, one of us might slyly pose the only question that makes mothers and fathers more uncomfortable than the one about where babies come from: “Who do you love more, her or me?”  Every parent knows there is no answer that will satisfy the child who asks this question. If you say you love both or all of your children the same, the kid won’t buy it. He’ll either think you’re humoring him and try to wheedle another answer out of you, or suspect you’re not telling him the truth because you love his brother or sister more (or less) than you love him but don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.

The problem is that “Who do you love more”” isn’t the right question. It’s not a matter of the amount of love you have for each of your children; it’s about how and why you love each of them, how you express your love to each, and what you particularly love about one or the other. Try explaining that to a six-year-old!

The fact of the matter is that if I had to divide my heart between my son and daughter, I have no doubt the two parts would come out equal. But if I had to describe my love for each of them individually, it wouldn’t sound the same, for the simple reason that they are not the same people. I love my son’s gentleness, his protectiveness toward those he cares for, his instinctively sunny disposition. I love my daughter’s engagement with the world, her curiosity, the intensity of her feelings and beliefs. As mother and daughter, she and I share more of our emotional lives with each other, while with my son, I share a sweet, easygoing camaraderie. How can I even out the lump sum of such an assortment of sentiments and attachments in a way that they will understand?

Growing up, both kids had gripes about the unequal (i.e., unfair) treatment they felt they sometimes received from me. My son complained that I spoiled his sister, that I indulged her and got her anything she wanted. My daughter grumbled that I was more lenient with her brother, that I laughed at some of his misbehaviors, the same misbehaviors for which she got scolded.

I here and now freely admit that their grievances were absolutely legit! I did buy daughter more, because she seemed to need more—more clothing, more paraphernalia, more stuff —while my son seemed to need less. (We’re talking about a boy who could wear the same shirt for a month and not notice.)  I did scold him less, because he knew how to charm the anger out of me by explaining himself in a way that made my stern face crumple with amusement. But did these inequities mean that I loved her more than him or him more than her? Not for a minute.

So, where does that leave us? Maybe there’s a mother out there somewhere who knows how to satisfy her children’s incessant desire to extract the inexplicable, but my own best guess is that we’re back where we started, with “I love you the same amount,” amount being the operative word. Although that answer might not be complete, and it might not pass muster with our kids, it is truthful—at least for me it is. My heart is filled with love for my children, and the feelings I have for each are bound together inextricably. One of them may take up more space in there one day, the other loom larger the next. But there is always plenty of room for both.