State of the Kid

Historically, children have not been a part of the conversation. In the Junior Newtown Action Alliance (Jr. NAA), we fight to change this, because why would children not have an equally weighted viewpoint, especially regarding an issue like gun safety, which often affects schools that children attend.

Like many people our age, we were empowered to action by the efforts of the kids in Parkland, Florida, who, rather than stay quiet like so many before, decided that it was time for a change and they were the people to make it happen. We attended our first official Jr. NAA meeting in March 2018 and noticed two common things in our new fellow members: the longing for a significant change, and a desire to be heard. This has been a common pattern among our peers. However, not every person is qualified or willing to be interviewed by a news outlet, which is completely OK. This is why @HumansofNewtownCT was founded, to tell every story that the people of Newtown are willing to share with us, whether it be a record of the day itself at Sandy Hook Elementary, an explanation of their connection to the event, where they are now, how it has affected them in the long run, or what recovery is/was like. We aim to give those—especially younger people—who want to regain their voice in the face of tragedy an opportunity to do so.

We believe that through posting these stories, we humanize the people as well as the issue, and in this way, create effective change. Rather than be combative, we choose to use the many voices of the people of our town—no matter their personal background or creed—to articulate the effects that gun violence has on the people impacted by it.

While we do share the stories of adults, we believe that being a medium for young adults and kids to share their stories is the most important. The Junior Newtown Action Alliance is run by kids for kids, and @HumansofNewtownCT works to ensure that no passionate young voice goes unheard. Thanks to the efforts of today’s youth, the children of the future will no longer struggle with being disqualified from the discussion simply because of their age, and we believe that society will see only benefits from this essential change. Children do have a perspective to contribute to the conversation, and its value has been underestimated for too long.

We believe that this account and the work we are doing will encourage the youth of future generations to believe in themselves and that their voices have value. We want today’s young children to grow up with strong role models throughout all of life’s phases. Hopefully, @HumansofNewtownCT will leave a lasting impact on the self-worth of future generations of kids and encourage them to accomplish whatever they desire, because you do not have to wait until you are of a certain age to make a difference.  

Kids today still turn to their parents when they have something important to say, but increasingly, kids are looking to teachers to be role models and to provide guidance, according to this year’s   Highlights State of the Kid™survey  . Of the 2,000 kids polled, 25 percent said that they admire and respect their teachers because they are caring, loving, and kind. My own ten-year-old supports this finding because he told me about his teacher’s kindness on the first day, and subsequent days, of school.

This kind of feedback is a giant warm hug of gratitude to educators from U.S. children. It signifies that teachers realize the critical role of a caring relationship in learning. In fact, research backs up the idea that learning takes place—and brain connections are strengthened—when students feel connected to their teachers, fellow students, and the larger school community.

Kids’ perceptions of teachers as role models of kindness and caring point to a growing movement in education to focus on actively creating caring learning environments and promoting the whole child’s development—physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development. Social and emotional learning in schools means actively working to create a safe, caring, and connected school community in which students feel a sense of trust and belonging and cultivate skills like self-awareness, empathy, and responsible decision-making.

And parents agree! In my own survey of parents, 95 percent said they felt social and emotional skill development was the most critical of all skills for their child’s success in school today and for their future lives. So how do we, as parents, work with our child’s educators on this critical issue? Here are a few simple ideas.

1. Ask what your school does to promote relationships and social, emotional, and academic development. Approach your child’s teacher or the school’s parent-teacher association. (Here’s a tool to begin that conversation.)
2. Learn more together as partners. Check out my site, Confident Parents, Confident Kids, to learn more about the power of social and emotional learning in schools.
3. Get involved. Now more than ever, parents realize that involvement in their children’s education is key to their success. Ask in what ways you can give of your time. It doesn’t have to be volunteering in the classroom.

Show care and gratitude. It’s easy to get caught up in hearing the negative aspects of what’s going on at school. Instead, make a point of asking your child about the positives. What’s going well? What do you like about your teacher? Then, share your gratitude with the teacher. Let her know you notice. Complimentary words at pick-up time or a note from you can make a teacher’s week!

“Adam just caught the most gigantic bass, Mom,” my son exclaims as if Adam is a neighbor, a school friend, or at the very least, someone I know. But I quickly realize my eleven-year-old son is referring to one of his favorite “YouTubers.” Adam and others like him are creeping more and more into my son’s conversation and I recognize he’s learning new terminology, visiting new places, and encountering a host of new experiences. For this reason, I am eager to get to know Adam, understand the reason for my son’s enthusiasm, and explore what he is teaching through his videos.

My son is not alone. A large number of U.S. children have told Highlights in their 2018 State of the Kid survey that celebrities are a key and growing influencer in their lives. Yes, parents remain the top influencer and second and importantly, teachers also capture children’s admiration. But increasingly our children also look to the personalities on their screens for role modeling. Whether it’s an e-gamer (playing competitive video games) or a reality television show star or a professional athlete, fifteen percent of children ages 6-12 report that they admire and respect celebrities. In addition to noting that those role models are caring and kind, they said they were generous, helped others, were smart, and knowledgeable.

It’s no surprise that celebrities are rising in their influence considering that the average child is on screens between seven and eight hours per day. As parents, we know the dangers that lurk with a simple word search and click of a “return” key, so we may feel worried, even fearful, as our child explores the world through our home screens. Yet if she or he were to join a club, organization, or extracurricular, we wouldn’t hesitate to get to know those involved. The same is true for our child’s digital community.

We have an opportunity to lean in and learn from our resident experts and enthusiasts, our children. It won’t serve our trusting relationship if we play “Gotcha!” attempting to catch our child straying into the danger zone. But if we genuinely express interest and allow our child to lead our exploration, they may just grant us entry. We’ll have the chance to become reflective with them about what they are viewing, preparing our kids with the skills and tools they need to become screen smart. In turn, we’ll grow in our own ability to trust their new and ever-expanding world.

How to Connect Over Celebs

Getting to know our child’s influencers when we can shake a hand and make eye contact seems do-able. But what about celebrity influencers? How do we get to know them? Here are a few tips for parents.

1. Ask your child about their interests and influencers with an open mind.

Though we may fear what they could run into as they surf the web, their digital community is just that, yet another group they engage with. If your child joined a school club like the Girl Scouts, you’d learn more about all of the individuals involved. So too with their digital community, get to know the players involved led by your child.

2. Select and review new content together.

Help your child learn to become proactive about reviewing appropriateness of content with you and explain why that’s important showing the benefit. If your child has ever encountered a terrifying video, ask if those images have stayed in his or her mind. That’s an easy, relatable way to explain that not all content is appropriate or desirable (for kids and for adults!). Seek out review sites like Common Sense Media. Together type in the new app, game, or movie and learn more before viewing!

3. Share regular updates on influencers.

At family dinners, the conversation may naturally turn to the events of the day. If you know that a YouTube star is influencing your child, then bring that influencer into your conversation. “What’s he up to lately?” If that star makes a poor decision that could herself or others, discuss her other choices and the real-world consequences of those choices. Keeping an open conversation can not only give you invaluable insights into who your child is looking to for social cues, but also could keep your child safe, since she’ll know she can come to you if and when there is a problem.

4. Replace fear with curiosity and empathy.

After all, fear comes from the unknown. If we, as parents, are in touch with our child’s influencers, we don’t have to fear them. We can recall our own experiences of teen idol posters taped up on our bedroom walls. Or recall when we dog-eared and carefully noted the time when a television special would air our favorite star. Our children are feeling that same glow of admiration. And we can join in their enjoyment as we cuddle up next to them and their iPad to learn more.

The community of influencers on our children has and will continue to grow. Our ability to reach out, learn, and connect with those individuals will only deepen our trust and intimacy with our children. As for me, I’m delighted that my son, his friends, and indeed U.S. children are focused on learning from adults who are caring, kind, and generous.

Do kids value kindness? According to the Highlights 2017 State of the Kid survey, they do!

We polled 2,000 kids ages 6–12 to get their views on kindness and empathy. When we asked, “What would you change in the world if you could change one thing?” more than half of the responses related to kindness.  

But when we asked, “What do you think is most important to your parents—that you’re happy, do well in school, or are kind?” only 23 percent of the kids said that it matters most to parents that they are kind. Almost half responded that their happiness matters most, and about one-third said that it’s most important that they do well in school. But, when Making Caring Common, a project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, surveyed parents and asked the same question, the majority of parents said that what matters most is that their children are kind. The dissonance is concerning.

Is the message that kindness matters getting lost in the swirl of other messages kids are receiving about achievement and personal fulfillment? Is the importance of having concern for others getting buried in the noise of our me-first culture? So it seems.  

If you want to be clear with your kids that kindness truly matters—and that, indeed, they can make the world a better place with acts of caring and kindness—try teaching more intentionally. Here are five suggestions for activities that will raise your family’s kindness quotient:

1. Foster gratitude, a key ingredient in kindness. Gratitude cultivates positivity. It brings into focus the things in life that truly matter, and primes us to be kinder. One good way to practice gratitude is to keep a family gratitude journal. Once a week (whatever cadence works for you, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore), invite family members to make an entry—a note about something for which they are thankful. Young kids can dictate their entry to you, draw a picture instead of writing, or paste in a photo. Try to keep the focus on people or events rather than on things. For example, rather than “I’m thankful for my toy truck,” try for “I’m thankful for Grandpa who knew I’d love the truck he gave me.” Or take an occasional Gratitude Walk, observing your surroundings and naming things for which you are grateful (your helpful neighbors, the friendly dog next door, or playmates down the street).
    
2. Mix up the dinner-table conversation. Instead of asking your kids “How was your day?” invite them to tell you something they did that day that was kind or describe a kind thing someone did for them. This can lead to some great conversation that will give you a chance to reinforce the value you place on kindness, compassion, and empathy.
    
3. Give kids practice being kind. Before leaving on an errand or outing, decide as a family to look for opportunities for random acts of kindness. Encourage your kids to hold a door open for someone or return someone’s shopping cart to the store. Leave a quarter in the gum ball machine, or pay for another customer’s coffee at the coffee shop and see how pleased and excited that makes your kids!
    
4. Read good children’s books and magazines together. They can throw open windows to the world, introducing us to unfamiliar places and new ideas. Choose stories with characters who are kind, who exhibit moral courage, and who are sensitive to the needs of others. According to research, fiction is great for helping readers see a situation through the eyes of someone else, and that’s how we learn empathy. Here’s a list of books to get you started.
    
5. Schedule Family Game Night, with a twist. Leave the old stand-bys on the shelf and instead choose games that help foster empathy and caring. You can find countless suggestions online for both making and playing kindness-themed games. Try “Kindness Bingo,” a game you can play all week. Create a “Bingo” card to hang on the refrigerator. In each square, briefly describe an act of kindness that would be meaningful to your family: Call Grandma to see how she’s feeling. Help the neighbor rake his leaves. Make a thank-you card for the school crossing guard. Bake cookies to take to the neighborhood fire station. When your family completes enough kind acts to call “Bingo!” offer a small, fun reward. The reward should be simple—think “extended bedtime” or a favorite dessert. Emphasize the intrinsic reward—the happiness that comes from knowing you’ve made someone’s day.  

The more opportunities we give kids to show caring and concern for others, the greater the likelihood they will become the change agents they want to be, helping to create a kinder world.  

In school, our children are focused on learning facts, how to do math, and how to write. This type of intelligence helps propel them forward in school, earning high grades and college acceptances. But…what if IQ alone isn’t enough to make your child successful in life?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the awareness of one’s feelings and the feelings of others. It is the ability to understand and manage one’s emotions and utilize this knowledge to connect with others. Empathy is a central element in EQ.

In the 2017 Highlights State of the Kid™ survey, Highlights asked 2,000 kids ages 6 to 12 what it means to “put yourself in another person’s shoes,” and 67 percent of responders understood the idea of empathy (with only 14 percent, higher among younger kids, responding that they did not know). This is promising news!  So, as adults, how do we continue to encourage empathy in our children?

Parents and other trusted adults are the main sources of information in a child’s life. We are the role models, and as such we can start the empathy conversation by displaying an awareness of our own feelings. Children are not born with an innate ability to name a feeling and connect that to an action or experience. But we can help teach them. When rushing to work in the morning, let your child know, “I am worried about getting to work on time, and I am sad that we don’t have time to play a little longer.”  When we make a mistake, like forgetting something at the store, we can tell our child, “I am mad at myself for forgetting the milk at the store, and I am frustrated that we will have to go back.” This allows your child to recognize feelings and the situations that cause them, the first step in building empathy.

You can also start a dialogue when you see your child having a feeling. For example, “It seems that you are feeling sad/mad/frustrated. Am I right?” Starting the conversation about your child’s feelings provides an opportunity to validate his experience and can lead to brainstorming possible solutions and/or coping skills. Identify. Validate. Implement skills. Let your child know that a feeling is never wrong. Though once we are able to identify it, we can then choose how to move forward. Do we need to take an action? Do we need a distraction? Helping your child identify what he may need in response to his feelings can make a situation seem more manageable.

We don’t always have to be focused on the less favorable emotions either. We can ask our children how it felt when they earned a special award in class or when a friend asked them for a playdate. Encourage recognition of feelings such as pride, happiness, and contentment.

The next step is connecting this knowledge with respect of feelings toward others. A great way to start is by sitting with your child as she watches a movie or a television show. Talk to her about how a character may be feeling, why she might be feeling that way, and what might help her in the moment. Using real-life examples is also a perfect way to teach children how to observe others in a nonjudgmental and open way.  

Creating a loving and safe environment for your children will allow them the space to explore their emotional process and in the end, be better equipped to connect and respond emotionally with others.

It was the morning rush and, as usual, we were racing the clock. The children were slow to put on their shoes, I left my coffee on the steps, and we got stuck behind a garbage truck. When the car in front of us stopped in the middle of the street, I honked my horn and swerved around the double-parked car, muttering unsavory remarks under my breath.

My first-grader piped up from the backseat. “Mama,” he said. “That wasn’t very kind of you.”

I looked in the rearview mirror and, as his big brown eyes met mine, felt a wave of shame. He was absolutely right; I had been unkind. My mind flooded with excuses, but before I could piece words together, his small voice interrupted my thoughts. “Light’s green!” he announced. 

I returned my eyes to the road. My children chattered cheerfully the rest of the way, but I remained silent, still struggling to formulate a response to explain my unkind behavior. We pulled up to school with seconds to spare and my children scrambled out of the car. As they sprinted to the door, I called out my routine farewell: “Bye. I love you! Be helpful. Be kind.”

The car door closed with a slam, snapping me to attention.  My words hung in the air and echoed in my thoughts for the rest of the day. I tell my kids it’s important to be kind nearly every day. But when I myself was unkind, I was at a loss for words.  Why is it so easy to tell them to be kind, but so hard to speak when I myself am not? 

Like most parents, I aspire to model kindness for my children. Yet, this wasn’t the first time my children had seen me act unkindly and I am certain it won’t be the last. There are inevitably times when we don’t live up to our own expectations. In fact, most kids see adults acting in unkind ways, as the 2017 Highlights State of the Kid™ report demonstrates. In these moments, we need to be gentle with ourselves, remember that we are human, and reset our intention to be kind.

But we can’t stop there. It is these moments, perhaps, that are the most critical to talk about with our children. Like my son, children are keen observers and they notice when our words and actions don’t align. Instead of staying quiet, I could have been honest with him. “You’re right,” I could have said. “That wasn’t kind. I was so frustrated that I lost my temper.” I could have said I’ll try to do better next time. These moments offer an opportunity to reaffirm our values deliberately and intentionally. 

These days, there is no shortage of people acting in unkind ways. Kids see adults treat each other with disrespect in cars, on sports fields, and in the media. It’s not enough to remind our children to be kind and then let these moments go by unnoticed. We need to call out unkind behavior when we see it. We need to show our children examples of standing up for what is right, even when it’s hard.

That way, someday I will meet my son's eyes without flinching, and know I did my very best to show him that I strive for kindness always, that I admit I’m unkind sometimes, that I want him, like me, to be his best kind self as much as possible—and that we’ll always be able to talk about it.

News flash: Parents aren’t perfect! 

All right, this isn’t actually news. Any parent who has lain awake at night replaying in his or her mind a regrettable lack of self-control—a harsh tone, a sarcastic comment, a slammed door, or worse—knows this all too well. Parenting is hard, and not one of us does it flawlessly.

But if we think our kids don’t notice when their parents or other adults behave unkindly—and that it doesn’t affect them—we’re kidding ourselves. In the 2017 Highlights State of the Kid™ survey, Highlights asked 2,000 kids ages 6 to 12 if they have ever seen their parents or other adults acting unkindly or saying mean things. A majority of respondents—67 percent—told us that they have indeed.

We also asked kids how this made them feel, and 93 percent reported a negative reaction. Forty-nine percent said it made them uncomfortable, with 43 percent saying they felt sad. Other answers were “scared,” “confused,” “embarrassed,” “surprised,” and even “angry.”

When we asked kids where they had seen adults acting unkindly, 37 percent said they observed it in the car, 27 percent said they heard it when adults were on the phone, and 24 percent said they saw adults behaving unkindly on television.

Make no mistake: kids don’t miss much.

They are watching when a driver in another car gestures rudely when he speeds past us. They hear us when we angrily hang up on a telemarketer. They can detect the snark when we’re arguing with our spouse. And, increasingly in today’s growing culture of incivility, our kids observe people with power and fame publicly insult or belittle others. Wherever it’s happening—from the White House to the local athletic field—incivility is registering with our kids. Yet, we know that it’s what parents do that leaves the most lasting impression.

It can be a strain to model kindness and caring in times of great political divisiveness and a growing me-first culture. Parents are busy, stressed people. When a plan or schedule goes off the rails, the wish to kick the proverbial cat or react with another negative emotional response is understandable. But if, as the old adage goes, trying to take back unkind words is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, what can we do after we deliver a regrettable outburst or a thoughtless comment or deed within the earshot of our children?

Tempting as it may be to let it go and hope they forget, we should own the mistake and create a teachable moment. If we can circle back with our kids and confess that, upon reflection, we realize that we blew it, we can turn a negative example into something good.

By naming the emotion we were feeling at the time (“I was angry that we were going to be late”), we can help our kids learn to identify the emotions in themselves that might trigger unkind behavior.

By acknowledging that we behaved inappropriately (“It was rude to call the other driver a name”), we can admit that the situation actually called for self-control and better problem solving (“I should have left the house earlier to allow enough time”).

And to show we plan to walk the talk, we can tell our kids how we plan on making amends—whether that’s an apology to the offended party or a vow to do better next time.

As a parent, it can be difficult to admit to our kids that we behaved unkindly when we insist that they be kind. But it can be very powerful for a child to hear a parent say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t show much self-control in that moment.” An apology can convey both humility (“I’m not perfect”) and strength (the courage to admit a mistake and a resolve to do better)—two attributes we hope to instill in our kids. As writer Margaret Lee Runbeck once said, an apology “can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.”  An honest conversation like this can help kids understand that we are not perfect and we don’t expect them to be perfect. But we do expect them to try always to be kind.

The good news is that kids want to see more caring and empathy in our culture. When we asked our young State of the Kid survey respondents to name the one thing they would change in the world, more than half of the responses related to kindness. We can help kids see that they can be agents for change by positively engaging in the world—if we remember that they learn best by watching us.

Some have described this year’s presidential election as a roller-coaster ride. In that it’s leaving a lot of us feeling out of control and wanting to scream, the metaphor is apt. The mudslinging, name-calling, and truth stretching is at an all-time high.

We’re bombarded with it every day.

And our children are hearing it, too.

As parents, our first instinct may be to shield our children from this negativity. And if your children are small (preschoolers or younger) or especially sensitive, that’s probably right. But if your children ask you about what they hear, don’t shy away from an age-appropriate conversation. Start by asking a few questions to gauge their level of understanding and to discover just what it is that’s confusing or troubling them. Then don’t “dump the whole load.” Chances are that younger children are seeking reassurance more than answers. They mostly want to hear from you that everything’s all right.

Older children, however, may need to hear more.

In our annual State of the Kid™ survey, Highlights for Children polled kids ages six to twelve about the election and this year’s race to the White House. For starters, we wanted to know if kids this age are talking about the election with their parents. Given the provocative nature of the political discourse this year, we think engaging kids in conversation about it is critical. Other parents seem to think so, too, as 80 percent of kids surveyed said yes—they are talking at home about the election at least a little. And while we don’t know what parents are saying to their kids, our poll results give us a few clues about what kids may want or need to hear.

Kids told us, for example, that our country’s safety is one of their big concerns. When asked, “What is the first thing the new president should work on?” 50 percent of our respondents said “keeping the country safe.” And when we asked them to name a quality they thought was most important for a president to have, 44 percent of them chose honesty over smarts, kindness, experience, and courage.

Kids’ concerns, it seems, very much mirror those of their parents.

We spoke about this with Dr. Sasha Ribic, a clinical psychologist who provides psychotherapy to children. “By nature,” she said, “kids are good observers, but bad interpreters.” While kids will astutely observe safety is an issue—and many bad things are happening—they aren’t good at interpreting what it means for them. Because they may worry disproportionately, she advises parents to use conversations to put safety into perspective for them. She suggests that kids picture a room filled with popcorn, and one piece has a red dot on it. Would you be able to find that piece? Probably not. The chances of something terrible or fatal happening to you are similarly remote.

And what about honesty? Clearly, kids have heard that adults express doubt over the candidates’ various claims. They likely have heard the candidates themselves each accuse the other of lying and may fear that we’ll end up with a president who isn’t honest. Parents can turn the campaign rhetoric into a teaching opportunity, explaining candidly that politicians don’t always play nicely together in their sandbox. Sometimes winning becomes more important to the candidates than truth telling, and questioning the honesty of their opponents becomes commonplace. By talking thoughtfully about how partisan interests can dominate, parents can help children learn to listen for the information contained within the rhetoric. Focusing on what the candidates are really saying as opposed to how they are saying it, however, doesn’t mean that how they say it doesn’t matter. This is also an opportunity to endorse virtues such as honesty by reminding kids that while the candidates may seem to forget it, the high road is the best road—and that their expectation that the president of the United States be honest is altogether reasonable.

In our survey, we didn’t ask kids for their thoughts about immigration or racial prejudice, which are also weighing heavily on the minds of voters. But as you discuss the campaign with your kids, don’t miss the opportunity to understand what they’ve observed and what they’re thinking about these subjects, too. Encourage perspective swapping, asking kids, for example, “How do you think it feels to be a target of unkind comments?” Talking about ethical dilemmas and letting kids figure out for themselves all the possibilities can be empowering and eye-opening for kids. We adults don’t have to provide all the answers.

But we do need to encourage the conversations, model thoughtful discourse, lean in, and listen deeply.